


twists and turns (vs. you and me)

by ghostrider



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, Some Sex, a ziam timeline basically, i needed to vent certain feelings out, some fighting and crying, the boys versus zayn and liam, theres larry in this too, with the engagement and sophia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-08
Updated: 2013-09-08
Packaged: 2017-12-26 00:52:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/959643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostrider/pseuds/ghostrider
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Maybe, I don’t,” Liam glares at Louis, “But you know what I know? I know that if you and Harry suddenly see the light and stop running away from your god damn feelings and eventually start to fuck, I would never tell on you. Not even if the alternative is death!”</p><p>That hushes everyone down for a very long time. Niall just looks back and forth between Louis and Harry with an astonished expression on his face while Harry stares resolutely at Liam, avoiding Louis' eyes. Liam still has his fists clenched with Zayn standing still behind him, touching.</p><p>“And there is one other thing you all should know,” Liam starts again, “it is because of your big ass mouths that Zayn is going to have to get engaged to somebody who is not me! People are going to know about it, people are going to believe in it and guess what I am gonna do? I am going to sit here, despising them and hating every single one of you!”</p><p>(aka where zayn and liam struggle to be together, in the face of countless obstacles that vary from new girlfriends to engagements to their best friends turning against them and forcing them apart)</p>
            </blockquote>





	twists and turns (vs. you and me)

**Author's Note:**

> like i said with everything going on i wanted to vent out my feelings. so this is a result of that and some prompts i had in my tumblr inbox.
> 
> the song blurred lines by robin thicke makes a feature in this. i mean no offense to sophia, danielle or perrie. they're probably nice people idk/idc. the word _bhai_ means 'brother' in urdu.
> 
> read on and enjoy. :)

(the special phrase)  
  
There comes a point in your life when you just have it all. It could be the end of your high school, a tremendous transcript in your hand, and you feel like flying because your parents are so proud and everyone is just so happy. It could be the birth of a baby, the one the doctor said was premature and not very easy to save and now it is in your arms, with perfect eyes and lips and toes and you feel like you are holding the most precious gift ever. Or it could be the premiere of your movie, just a month away, and you just cannot believe it is happening because you signed up for singing, not _this._ But the fact that _this_ , and so many other little pleasures come along what he calls his job, is just unbelievable. Overwhelming, at (all) times.  
  
Keeping aside the fans and the money and the meeting with celebrities he never thought he’d meet and well, the money, there is one something he is thankful for the most. That is his friends. Four people, very different from each other and yet somehow, one and the same. Louis, Harry, Niall and Liam. When he had met them, when they had been put together in a band three years ago, Zayn had looked at them as mediocre singers, struggling to just make it. Like himself. And before he knew, they were clasping Zayn’s hand in their own like they had known him forever and together, they jumped obstacles, faced challenges, released albums that were a hit worldwide, hosted tours and now, now they had a fucking movie in order and Zayn knows that this is so much more than he bargained for, but not in a bad way.  
  
He does think he has it all. Which does not by any way mean that he thinks of himself as superior to others, or that he should start acting rude and arrogant in public, firstly because Louis is going to give him a big lecture if he does that and second, because he loves the fans even when they get a bit too much to handle sometimes and he would never in a million years be rude to them. (if they aren’t to him).  
  
And then, then, there is Liam. He cannot really explain, define or describe Liam in words. All he can say is that Liam is the force that keeps him stable when he thinks the world is ending and Liam is the air that he breathes when he thinks he will suffocate. Liam is the hand clutching his when he is asked to do things for the band that no other boy is asked to do and Liam is the gentle but hard press on the small of his back when he is standing in front of a thousand flashing cameras with an ache in his head. Liam understands, Liam cares, Liam loves him. And he? He feels for Liam so strong, that sometimes he thinks it’s not love, it’s something more. And there should have been a word in the dictionary that could describe it. But there isn’t. Which is very wrong. And so this is what he whispers to Liam when they are sitting on the couch, not an inch of space between them (this is how it has always been, this is how it will always be).  
  
“You know I was thinking, there should have been a word.”  
  
Liam looks down at him, “What word?”  
  
“You know, a word, just one, to tell you how I feel about you.”  
  
Liam chuckles, (fact: that is Zayn’s most favorite sound in the world), “You don’t need a word for that , babe.” He drops a kiss on Zayn’s head, his hair smell like pineapple, “I know how much you love me. I don’t want it in words.”  
  
“You don’t understand Leeyum,” Zayn almost whines.  
  
“You are just being dramatic and foolish; I already know how much you love me, okay? You don’t have to tell me that.”  
  
Zayn sits up straight, leaving Liam’s arms empty and regretting it immediately, but if he has to make Liam understand, he needs to look at him.  
  
“Look, Li,” he says.  
  
“Where?” Liam counters, humorlessly.  
  
“I meant, listen Li,” Zayn rolls his eyes.  
  
“Okay, go on,” Liam says, sighing. He is used to Zayn being incredibly childish sometimes, and it’s not like he doesn’t love it. Most of the times he even entertains the stubbornness but right now, right now he just wants to be physically close to Zayn and drop his head on his head and take a few peaceful breaths before the boys come back from their swimming. But no, Zayn is on his way to inventing a word, making a discovery, and he won’t just do it in his mind while pressed against Liam’s chest. He needs Liam’s full participation.  
  
“Well you know,” Zayn begins, “Sometimes when you tell me you love me and I am like I love you too, I just don’t mean it because it is not true you see-”  
  
“Well, if that is what you wanted to tell me, you’d rather just grab that knife and-”  
  
“Oh my god Liam, shut up,” Zayn smacks his head with the back of his hand and Liam just moves back a little to avoid it, grabbing Zayn’s wrist and pulling him close again. He cannot help himself.  
  
“We can talk like this,” he says, once Zayn is settled on his lap, in an almost straddling position, his arms going around Liam’s neck.  
  
“Okay, you are such a snob by the way. Anyway so where was I?”  
  
“The tragic part where you didn’t love me.”  
  
“Liam.”  
  
“Okay okay, sorry, continue.”  
  
“I don’t mean when I say that I love you too _because_ I don’t just love you, I more than love you and you know I just cannot describe really. Like nobody has more than loved anybody as much as I do. So there should be a word you know, a word that tells exactly how much you mean to me. And we need to find it like right now.”  
  
“Half of what you just said doesn’t make sense,” Liam begins, his arms around Zayn’s waist and eyes crinkling at the corners as he looks at him adoringly, “But you already do have a word for it. A phrase actually.”  
  
“What? No I don’t. I do?”  
  
“Yeah, ‘more than love’. You can just say that and I will understand. Or we could abbreviate it, MTL. I MTL you, Zayn. You MTL me too. The likes.”  
  
Zayn cocks an eyebrow at him, “Tell me you are _not_ serious.”  
  
“Does it look like I am not?” Liam asks, pulling Zayn in by his waist.  
  
“But that is so lame, and nerdy. And lame,” Zayn says.  
  
“We are lame, and nerdy. And lame.”  
  
“MTL?”  
  
Liam laughs, “Yeah.”  
  
Zayn ponders for a moment, contemplating with his tongue between his teeth, “It sounds funny. But okay I guess, it will do until I think of something cooler.”  
  
“Now can we do some kissing, or would you like to write your own dictionary until the boys come back?”  
  
Zayn smiles down at him, before pressing his lips to Liam. “But we will write our own dictionary, one day,” he mumbles against Liam’s lips and Liam nods, too busy to talk.  
  
About four minutes later when they hear Louis’ loud voice coming from a distance, Zayn reluctantly disentangles himself from Liam’s limbs and creates distance between them, moving further into the other side of the couch, concealing his painful hard-on with a cushion. Meanwhile, Liam straightens his shirt, and tries to make his disheveled hair look presentable but then just gives up when Louis comes trotting in, his hair wet and clothes damp.  
  
“What are you two jerks doing inside?” he asks, jumping on the cushion that lies on the floor. Not seeming to notice anything out of place.  
  
“Why are you wet?” Zayn asks. At the same time Liam answers Louis, “Zayn didn’t want to come swim so I was keeping him company.”  
  
“Because like Liam here said, we were swimming and if you knew that and didn’t want to come, your question-“  
  
“I meant, didn’t you have a towel back there? Drying yourself and then coming here wouldn’t have killed you.”  
  
“Zayn, why are you talking shit?” Louis asks, reaching up to check Zayn’s pulse rate, “Are you okay?”  
  
Zayn smacks his hand away, he is just annoyed because he was kissing Liam, and he doesn’t get to do that a lot since his friends are always around, and then Louis had to come in and interrupt.  
  
“Liam, is he okay?” Louis asks, “Are you tired babe?” He is concerned, Zayn realizes.  
  
That is so Louis actually. Noticing little changes in their behaviors, making sure they are fine. And since Louis knows how Zayn just came back from New York where he had been sent to meet his girlfriend (according to the world, but never according to him), Perrie, he must be thinking that Zayn is dead tired. Louis had guessed that Zayn didn’t actually like Perrie, the same way he had told Harry to let Taylor go. He knows these forced, planned dates are nothing to Zayn, Zayn despises them and now he thinks that Zayn is angry at him and at the world generally, for being so tired. For when he is tired, he is the sulkiest being on this planet. Everybody knows that.  
  
“I am okay Louis,” Zayn smiles down at him, “I was just kidding.”  
  
“Well, then you have a very bad sense of humor bro,” Louis says, smacking his left knee, just when Niall and Harry come in, wearing troubled expressions.  
  
“Oh thank god you are here,” Niall says, once his eyes land on Louis, “Me and Harry thought you had drowned.”  
  
“I knew he hadn’t though, I could feel it here,” Harry points to his heart with a solemn expression on his face and obviously, Niall bursts out laughing. Zayn will never understand those sudden laughter explosions.  
  
“Why didn’t you guys come along?” Harry asks, plopping down beside Louis.  
  
“Don’t ask, Zayn is snappy today,” Louis whispers to him, loud enough for everybody to hear.  
  
Zayn snorts, leaning to his side a bit, leans until his shoulder touches Liam’s. This is okay behavior. If Harry can sit on Louis’ lap, Zayn can just lean in a bit yeah.  
  
“He has been, since he came back,” Niall says, he is headed towards the kitchen.  
  
“I think this is because of lack of sex, isn’t Perrie doing like _anything?_ ” Harry asks. Harry always makes these jokes that only he thinks are funny.  
  
Zayn opens his mouth to snap at him but there is an arm going around his shoulder and he stops. Liam speaks instead, “Guys, give him a break. He is just tired.”  
  
“But all I’m saying is, I know you don’t like being with her and I’m not saying that you should, it’s just that if you have a key to a locker full of money, you fucking open the damn locker!” Harry says.  
  
“Huh?” Zayn and Liam chorus, Louis slaps Harry’s stomach.  
  
“He means you should do her while you can,” Louis explains, “And he is right actually. She is pretty fit.”  
  
“Then why don’t you do her instead, huh Harry?” Liam says, not giving Zayn a chance to respond.  
  
“Wow, now you are going to unreasonably snap at us too?” Louis asks, hand on his chest like he is really offended or something, “What is wrong with this world?”  
  
“Oh for fuck’s sake Louis, he just came back this morning, let him get some rest,” Liam gets up and tugs at Zayn’s arm signaling him to get up too, “Come on, you need to rest.”  
  
Zayn obeys, and stands up immediately. Avoiding the cushion Louis throws at him.  
  
“But why do you need to go with him, Liam?” Louis asks.  
  
“Let him, he is as moody as he is today anyway,” Harry says, pulling a face when Liam kicks him in the shins lightly.  
  
“No, I’ll just take a nap too,” Liam says. “We have a full working day tomorrow and I promised Niall I’d go out with him tonight, he needs a wingman. I don’t see why that is necessary, but he said he does.”  
  
“But _I_ am Niall’s wingman,” Harry says, shocked.  
  
“I didn’t ask for it bro, it was all Niall,” Liam says, taking Zayn by the arm and walking away.  
  
“Bloody ditcher, I am absolutely never doing another interview with him or talking to him,” Zayn hears Harry say before Liam takes him out of the living room, and up to their own.  
  
—-  
  
(the beginning)  
  
There’s no day or time or moment that Zayn can think of as to when it started. All he knows is that Liam had been there for him from the very beginning. Soft smiles, soft eyes, soft whispers, just soft and gentle. Bit by bit, piece by piece, he had stolen Zayn’s heart until it was all his. Maybe Zayn had consented to it all, because (i) he didn’t have a choice since (ii) Liam Payne was (is) the most irresistible human being on this planet and (iii) he wanted to. He wanted to be Liam’s, he wanted to have Liam, he wanted all of Liam, he knew Liam was his the moment their lips had accidentally (not really) touched. But it was hard. Unfortunately, and fortunately, they weren’t just normal boys who started dating and nobody gave a fuck about them because _they are such losers, acting like married people at the age of 20._ But they were in a band, they were almost-celebrities. And their record label and management kind of owned/controlled them. They had been sat down, and talked to, and made to sign contracts. They weren’t supposed to do whatever the hell they wanted, they were supposed to be role models, they were supposed to try to be better than other celebrities, each one of them were supposed to do everything and anything for the band’s sake. There is just one thing Zayn still remembers from the two hour long meeting they had had, and that one thing is their manager asking them if they were not straight. Zayn remembers uneasily looking over at his friends to find Niall and Louis shaking their heads. Harry said a nonchalant, “Nah!” and Liam just shook his head slightly so Zayn did too. The manager proceeded on to say how that was simply great, since 97% of their fan base comprised of teenage girls who looked up to them, wanted them, drooled over them. And they had to be the _perfect_ boys for them. Great looks, good manners, sense of humor, no relationships in the band, no hookups with random boys, just no, and then some other stuff Zayn doesn’t remember.  
  
It would be fair to say that Zayn had taken the order seriously; he had given up on ever being a somebody _more_ to Liam than just a band mate and friend, pushed out all thoughts of clasping his hand around Liam’s, fingers threading together. It could never happen, he had thought. His uncanny predictions however, didn’t come true. Instead, his resolve of not thinking about Liam in ways that were unacceptable didn’t last very long. It didn’t even have the potential to really, since Liam was just always there, and always so friendly, and always so touchy, and always so inviting, and fuck. Zayn couldn’t have stayed away even if some supernatural force had tried to possess him and make him do so. There was no escape, just Liam, picking at the lock on his cage, destroying the walls he had tried to put up around him.  
  
And then they were playing “Hide and Clap” one fine day, and Zayn was supposed to be taking the turn with a blindfold on, walking with his hands outstretched, trying to catch the boys. When there was a clap right behind his ear, he turned around to catch the person who did it, before he knew what was happening; his nose was bumping against another, his lips were brushing against softer ones, a tongue was licking at the bottom one, and then a small “sorry” whispered into the air, followed by hurried footsteps fading away. He stood there for a long couple of seconds, trying to figure out what had just happened. His lips tingling, his blood warmer than before. He did not need a forensics team to figure out who the boy was. He knew Liam’s smell by heart. (and he lusted after it, like a dog after meat, no fucks given.)  
  
Zayn hadn’t brought it up; he had tried to push it away. He was good at running away from things that made him anxious or nervous. And his running away came in the form of staying quiet, shut up, and only going out to smoke. Smoking just cleared his head, made it easier for him to pay attention to things that mattered more than his infatuation with Liam. Yeah. That is what he was going to call it because it was better if he didn’t think of it as something else.  
  
What he hadn’t been expecting was for Liam to bring it up. So when Liam did, one night while they were sitting in their shared hotel room watching some boring sitcom, it knocked the breath out of Zayn.  
  
“Why didn’t you ask me about it?” Liam had said, just when the girl on TV opened a letter from her long lost love.  
  
Zayn had frozen. It had been a month since the accident and yet he knew exactly what Liam meant. So he gulped, and stated, “It was you.”  
  
Maybe that was confirmation, a question, or a perfect answer to Liam’s question, he didn’t know.  
  
“That is exactly why you should have said something,” Liam threw him off by the response.  
  
Zayn just looked at him, with his mouth open, trying to say something, not succeeding. Liam didn’t attempt to talk, stared right back, Zayn wondered where this sudden confidence in him came from. Then he said, “Okay. Why?”  
  
Liam raised his eyebrows, “That’s all? That is all you are going to ask?”  
  
“No,” Zayn said, “There’s more. But, first tell me why you did it?”  
  
“You say ‘it’ like I did a bad thing,” Liam said.  
  
Zayn wanted to claw his hair out, why was Liam playing with his emotions like this. But he stood his ground and said, “Liam, will you answer me?”  
  
“I did it because I wanted to.”  
  
Zayn had not been expecting that.  
  
“I did it because I thought you wouldn’t mind.”  
  
Zayn hadn’t.  
  
“I did it because I thought you’d do ‘it’ back.”  
  
Zayn couldn’t breathe.  
  
“But you didn’t.”  
  
Zayn’s mouth was dry, when he finally spoke, “I was shocked. I wasn’t even sure who it was.” He knew the last sentence was a lie.  
  
Liam knew too, he rolled his eyes, “Yeah, right. You didn’t know who it was. I believe that.”  
  
“You apologized, like you had made a mistake. What was I supposed to say?” Zayn wanted to punch the wall, or Liam’s face for putting him in such an uneasy position.  
  
“I apologized because you didn’t fucking respond,” Liam said through gritted teeth. Liam rarely swore, but when he did, everybody knew he meant business.  
  
“You could have given me a second to catch on,” Zayn muttered back.  
  
“If I had, would you have responded?”  
  
Zayn didn’t know what to say, the answer clear on his face.  
  
Liam asked again, “If I do ‘it’ again, will you respond?”  
  
Zayn tried to breathe. As Liam leaned in, he waited and shut his eyes the moment Liam’s soft palm came in contact with his left cheek. Then Liam’s nose slid against his, Liam’s impatient, nervous, minty breath on his lips. Followed by the soft press of Liam’s lips against his. Zayn immediately returned the pressure, answering all questions that needed to be answered.  
  
After it was said and done, and Liam was lying comfortably with his head on Zayn’s thigh looking up at him, Zayn’s hand in his hair like always, but in a different better kind of way this time, did Zayn bring the most important matter up, “How are we supposed to tell the management about this?”  
  
Liam just grinned, whatever had happened to the responsible, fatherly side of him, Zayn had no idea, “We won’t tell, simple.”  
  
Zayn was okay with that, very okay indeed, “What about the boys? How do you think they will take it? Louis will throw a fit, I am telling you.”  
  
“Then we won’t tell them either,” Liam had said, smiling his brightest smile at Zayn.  
  
“What? But-“  
  
“It is best not to, for the time being.”  
  
“I don’t think that's a very good idea.”  
  
“You have a better one?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Harry and Louis will kill us when they find out,” Zayn said.  
  
Liam put his hand up to touch Zayn’s cheek lightly, “Listen, we will handle it together when the time comes okay? We will see, we will. Now, tell me, where would you like to go to on our first date?”  
  
And that was the end of it.  
  
—-  
  
(the beard)  
  
Sometimes Zayn thought it was unreal. How much he could love someone, it was scary and it was unreal. But it felt like the only real thing he had felt in ages anyway. So if it was wrong, he didn’t give a shit. If it would cost him his future, he didn’t give a shit. (he knew liam didn’t either, that is what made him so brave and confident). There was always this thought in his mind, what if somebody found out? What if, what if, what if? It scared him when fans noticed the little gestures that Liam threw at him during interviews and shows. But he didn’t ask Liam to stop. He knew Liam wouldn’t even if he did. Liam had a more positive attitude to the entire situation than him; he simply didn’t know how Liam could pull off being so cool and chilled right after he had made out with Zayn backstage, he just didn’t get it.  
  
The bromances the fandom had formed helped a lot, because that made the touching on stage, the staring in the interviews, the going out together easier. They knew it was all fun and games. Louis and Harry’s bromance was the most popular, Zayn was glad. That gave him and Liam some kind of leverage. They always didn’t have cameras focused on them, they weren’t asked uneasy bromance-related questions, Louis and Harry got the entire concentration while Liam absentmindedly ran his hand up and down Zayn’s thigh in a comforting manner that Zayn found highly distracting and nobody noticed. It was good, it was all good.  
  
But then they started getting famous, the fans started to grow every day. Things started to change drastically, rumors started to spread like a virus, the interviews got more intense and Louis was ordered to get into a relationship by their management. They couldn’t have so many people believing in Larry. It was fishy. Something had to be done. So a girl named Eleanor Calder was introduced to the boys. She was a model, they were told. And now she was going to be Louis’ girlfriend until further notice.  
  
Zayn just stared at Louis when the said Eleanor came in, he watched as Louis bit the inside of his cheeks and forced a smile, he watched as Louis glanced at Harry who was staring a bit too pointedly at the ground not bothering to look up, he watched as Eleanor smiled at Louis showing too much teeth, reluctance etched on her face as they hugged the most awkward of hugs in history. He hated everything, but maybe a part of him was glad how it wasn’t him or Liam in the same situation. That selfish part didn’t get to stay so glad for a long time. Because.  
  
Three months later, Danielle Peazer entered. Along with her came an entire made-up, convincing back story; how she and Liam were friends since she danced with them on the X-factor, they started to like each other somewhere in between and now BAM! She was Liam’s girlfriend. Liam clutched Zayn’s hand when Danielle came into the room. Maybe, only, it was because of that tight promising grasp around Zayn’s hand that prevented him from punching the glass table in front of him. And it was Liam’s whisper into his ear that had made him crack a smile, despite his own efforts of not wanting to, “Don’t worry sunshine, she will be gone before you even know it.”  
  
She didn’t go before Zayn even knew it. Nor did Eleanor. But the thing was, everybody got along with Eleanor. Because she knew what she was allowed to do and what she wasn’t. Even Harry warmed up to her. With her hipster clothes and bubbly attitude, she made a friend out of all the boys. Zayn used to go out for coffee with her to feel at ease. Such was her charm. Louis was very lucky to have such a person to play his girlfriend.  
  
But Danielle. She was an entirely different story.  
  
She was clever, to begin with. Cunning, actually. She behaved differently in front of everyone. Or maybe that is how Zayn perceived it is. He didn’t say it out loud obviously, since Liam couldn’t stand it. He, expectedly, liked her. As a friend obviously, but he liked her and maybe that is why Zayn didn’t. Nor that Zayn would have liked her if she wasn’t all over Liam all the time, he knows he wouldn’t have. Because she was a nosy bitch, no offense, who latched herself onto Liam the moment she came to visit. Like Liam was her property or something. She seemed to hate Zayn, since she never talked to him until it was absolutely necessary. Louis, obviously, was the only one who conversed with her apart from Liam. Niall didn’t care, Harry hated her. He didn’t say it loud either but Zayn knew Harry, because he had this connection with Harry that he didn’t have with anyone, not even Liam.  
  
He and Harry were the same people; they were reckless jerks who had given away their hearts too easily and too quickly. Harry wouldn’t say he had, but Zayn knew. It only took an intense look into those green eyes to know what Harry really felt. It only took some soft, soothing words and a promising, sincere hug to get honest tears come out of Harry’s eyes. Same was the case with Zayn, he was just better at hiding it. Harry wasn’t so. Both boys thought with their hearts. While, Liam and Louis did what the management said, and Niall tried to deviate the paparazzi by roaming around causing rumors that ranged from dating some high school sweetheart to wanking in public, Zayn and Harry found solace in each other.  
  
They started sharing a room, since Liam had to stay with Danielle during the little break they got from work, and Louis barely visited spending time with his family and Eleanor, Zayn and Harry thought it best to stay together. Both boys never said how much they needed each other, but they understood anyway. Harry didn’t ask, Zayn didn’t ask, they didn’t have to answer to each other. Sometimes, Zayn wondered if Harry knew about him and Liam. But he also knew that if Harry did know, he would bring it up. And he didn’t have to think about it if Harry wasn’t saying anything. So they stayed quiet, laughed, talked, slept, woke up, smoked, did nothing all day, watched lame sitcoms, talked some more (actually Harry talked, voice lazy and bored, and Zayn listened) and then slept.  
  
Time flew by, each day bringing a new change. Every time Zayn thought that Liam had drifted away, Liam did one thing or the other proving him wrong. For example, sometimes Zayn woke up in Liam’s room instead of his and Harry’s shared one, because at night Liam had sneaked in and carried him all the way to his own. Or that other time when Zayn was angry at Liam for not wishing him a happy birthday because _“you were so damn lost in her you didn’t even realize and you never forget li, you never do!”_ and Liam had just sat and listened before getting up and dragging him to the car. They had ended up in a night club Liam had booked for just the two of them three days before, and Zayn had hid his face in Liam’s grey hood in embarrassment, _“okay you are the best sorry i am such a jerk.”_ They had spent the night there. Just the two of them. And when Louis had worriedly called, Liam hadn’t let him pick up so yeah.  
  
So it was enough, but not enough. Zayn just couldn’t stand Danielle and her long fingers threaded with Liam’s softer ones. Liam tried to take them both to lunch together but even that was a disaster because she eyed Zayn with disgust and annoyance and Zayn fisted the table cloth in order to restrain from stabbing her with a pitchfork. He just resigned on sitting and smiling at her, for Liam, while he imagined a piano falling over her head, or dropping her off a plane into a dry well full of snakes, or tying her to a rocket and shooting it off to space, out of their lives.  
  
—-  
  
(the new)  
  
He woke up to a familiar scent that never ceased to exhilarate him. Liam was sitting beside him, leaning against the bed frame with his legs lying outstretched with a newspaper on his lap. He wasn’t reading it though, he had his hands linked behind his head and was staring into space, his teeth bothering his bottom lip. Zayn knew he was deep in thought. So instead of disturbing him, he just lay there and kept staring. He recalled sleeping with Harry last night, but this was a time when he had stopped being surprised at how he ended up in Liam’s room.  
  
Liam must have felt the stare or something because suddenly he glanced at Zayn, and smiled, “Afternoon, sunshine.”  
  
“What time is it?” Zayn asked, he had thought it was morning because.  
  
“Four. Didn’t wake you up because it looked like you needed rest.”  
  
“Don’t we have any-“  
  
“No, we have two interviews tomorrow though. One after the other.”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
Liam raked his eyes over Zayn’s face; Zayn kept looking back at him. He felt at peace after a very long time.  
  
“I thought I’d find you here,” Liam began, “when I came back last night. But I didn’t.”  
  
“And?” Zayn asked, tired.  
  
“You were with Harry, and you- like you were sleeping with him and you were kind of- you know. When I came for you, I had to do a lot of work disentangling you from him. I mean, you could- you should have stayed here, you know,” Liam’s cheeks were tainted red as he stammered out his little complaint.  
  
“What are you trying to say? Can you be a little more specific?” Zayn asked, raising his eyebrows.  
  
“I am sorry I don’t want to make you feel bad, Zee,” Liam said, reaching out to caress Zayn’s forehead, “But. Okay let’s forget I said anything.”  
  
“No,” Zayn sat up, “Talk to me.” Liam barely ever said anything, barely ever complained about _anything._ He accepted everything Zayn said or did, accepted everything everyone did or said. Too polite and god damn good to protest and hurt someone. Now that he was finally going to blurt out something, Zayn was going to make sure he did.  
  
“I don’t like you being so close to Harry,” Liam said, flushing a deep shade of red, looking everywhere but at Zayn.  
  
This wasn’t a side of Liam that Zayn had ever seen before; it intrigued and thrilled him at the same moment. Liam’s lips were pursed, lines on his forehead frustrated and furious. It showed how this was something Liam had wanted to say for a long time. And finally he had, he had found his breaking point.  
  
“I don’t mean to offend you, and Harry is obviously one of those people who are very dear to me but you are mine and I have every right to tell you that you are not supposed to be that physically close to _anybody._ Especially Harry,” Liam said in one breath, taking Zayn’s away in the process.  
  
Zayn, at a loss of words, just stayed quiet and stared. Which Liam took as a bad sign.  
  
“See, now you hate me. Look I will stop, its okay.”  
  
“Bloody hell Liam, please go on. Tell me how much you hate it, damn it! What else do you hate, what else do you not want me to do? Fuck, speak!”  
  
Somewhere during his sudden outburst, Zayn clambered on to Liam. Liam could do nothing but watch him with wide, astonished eyes while he helped him settle on his lap, his hands secured around Zayn’s waist, and Zayn’s hands on his chest and neck.  
  
“You- you are not angry at me?” Liam asked, surprised.  
  
“Okay, I know I should be, since you left last night after the show without telling me and came late after twelve and carried me here from Harry’s room without my permission and are now lecturing me on listening to you when you are out all night with some chick but I am not angry at you, I am kind of falling in love with you right now. I am crazy, yeah.”  
  
“Yeah, you kind of are. Because I didn’t go willingly, Paul just dragged me away. And I wanted to come back right away, you know how much I miss you when you are not with me, and yet you run off to Harry like he is the one who is allowed to do this to you,” Liam said, and before Zayn could ask what, Liam was flipping them over and Zayn was landing on the bed, flat on his back, while Liam’s heavy weight hovered above him, threatening to fall.  
  
“Fuck,” Zayn said, his hands moving from Liam’s chest to the strong layer of muscle under the fabric that covered his biceps, “I didn’t know you had gotten that strong.”  
  
“I wouldn’t have if I had given in to your pouts and missed my morning walks and gym,” Liam said, brushing Zayn’s messy hair out of his eyes, “So what was I telling you?”  
  
“Stay away from Harry because you are the one who owns me,” Zayn said, now holding Liam’s face and breathing really fast.  
  
“Yes and yes. I don’t want you sleeping next to him, because if I don’t find you here waiting for me, or you can sleep even but in my bed, if I find you lying beside him again, I swear to god I am going to fuck you right there and Harry is going to wake up and watch,” Liam said, growled more like, and Zayn just died because of the ferocity in those eyes. What had happened to his shy, innocent Liam overnight?  
  
“You make it sound like I like it or something Liam,” Zayn said, after taking a moment to find his breath, “but what’s real is that I don’t. I feel so lonely without you and Harry is there with Crispy MnMs and we just talk and then we fall asleep. I would rather be with you, but I don’t like being alone, I don’t. It reminds me of where you are, and who you are with, and I don’t like that, do you understand?”  
  
Liam looked at him for a moment, concerned, caressing his cheek with a hand and thinking, then he said, “I will call it off then.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“I will break up with her and I will tell the fans before telling anybody else, I will also make her tweet it, and that way management would have no choice but to go along,” Liam stated, “Because I don’t like being without you either, it makes me lose patience and it makes me want to punch people in the face.”  
  
Zayn’s brain had already stopped working somewhere in between when Liam had let his full bodyweight fall on him, so he just responded by blinking his eyes once or twice, and licking his lips, waiting for words to come to him.  
  
“I can’t take this anymore because you are the only one I want, nobody else but you, you forever,” Liam said, and Zayn thought about how Liam had just stolen his exact words.  
  
“If you don’t fuck me in the next fifteen seconds, I swear I will ask somebody else, preferably Harry, to do it instead,” Zayn breathed, okay yes he still has words, not too innocent or appropriate ones but _fuck Liam._  
  
“You probably shouldn’t have said that,” Liam said, before sliding a hand under Zayn’s waistband, and bringing his lips down hard on his.  
  
—-  
  
(the win)  
  
Liam broke up with Danielle two days later. Social media went crazy. Fans cried; _omg we loved her._ Zayn rolled his eyes at them. Fans rejoiced; _we knew payzer was never real, liam is single whoop dee doo._ Zayn rolled his eyes at them too.  
  
Management had a two hour meeting with Liam, they asked him to go back to patch up with Danielle.  
  
Liam asked them to go fuck themselves.  
  
When Louis and Niall stepped up for him, and Harry said something along the lines of _how long did you expect something that fake to last anyway,_ and Zayn sat back with his hands together in a silent prayer, management had to consent.  
  
Liam won. They won.  
  
—-  
  
(the opposite of win)  
  
Or no, they didn’t. Not yet anyway,  
  
Yes, Liam had gotten a new haircut and was wearing tight shirts that showed off his abs and muscles causing girls to lose their ground, Louis and Eleanor were still going strong in the public eye, Harry was having flings with bestselling singing super stars and making headlines, Niall was on the news every day because he did stupid things like rolling on the road or dancing shirtless in a park, and Zayn. It was Zayn’s turn to do something and apparently the donations he was making to charities, the sculptures he painted to raise money for trust funds weren’t enough. The something he had to do came in the form of a bubbly, high-spirited and bright blond named Perrie Edwards. She had almost the same history as his; auditioned for The X-Factor, put into a band, made it to showbiz, and had the same management. The only difference was that her girl band had actually won. But winning doesn’t get you success, you need fans for that, and you need promotion to get fans. She needed that. And Zayn said he would help when his manager asked him, he didn’t know then what the man had actually meant by _helping her._  
  
They wanted Zayn to date her. It was already planned. Zayn was to start bringing her up in interviews, and then gradually they would start dating and nobody would doubt a thing. At first, Zayn didn’t want to do it, every particle in his body said no. Liam had said no, he could too, and he would win. But Zayn wasn’t Liam, and Zayn wasn’t like any of the other boys. He was different, and he was different in so many ways than one. He was lucky to be here, he was lucky to be the one who took care of his mom and his sisters, he was lucky to have a life no other normal Muslim boy of nineteen had lived. And he knew their management would have no issue in kicking him out and telling him to fuck off, and he knew his boys would not continue without him, and he couldn’t do to this to them, he couldn’t do it.  
  
He couldn’t say no, he nodded and walked out. In his heart he saw Liam when he did. Only Liam; the only thing he really did not want to be separated from.  
  
—-  
  
(the perrie)  
  
Being with Perrie was difficult but not so.  
  
He had to kiss her once and that also for a moment for some picture that was supposed to confirm their relationship. He had a lot of promotions followed by an upcoming tour, so he didn’t have to stay with her for longer periods. Her band also helped by bringing their relationship in their interviews more than he did. That saved him a lot of lying. She used to switch on the possessive buttons of Liam, causing Liam to make love to him with a passion that Zayn wished for to never stop.  
  
And lastly, Zayn felt comfortable with her because she was like him in a lot of ways. She wore what she wanted to, she said what she wanted to, and she wasn’t intense or dramatic, she was hilarious and fun. Before Zayn knew it, she was one of the people he cared for, a best friend. And he realized why Louis was okay with being Eleanor.  
  
They were made to do some unbelievable things though, since the fans were too inquisitive and like always were playing detective, searching for clues, trying to uncover the true story behind their relationship. Zayn knew they would do that, it wasn’t easy to fool his fans. So, Perrie celebrated Eid with his family, spent Christmas with his family, because fans would believe when they saw her with his family right. Okay, so send her to shopping with his elder sister, make them wear the same coats. Have his cousins tweet about them, make him tell his mother to be all mother-daughter-love with Perrie, be bros with her brother, and- okay. He did all of that, and Perrie just tagged along, all bright smiles and a tinge of adventure in her eyes, _c’mon zayn think of it as a screwed up dare, relax._  
  
That is exactly what he did. That is exactly what kept him going. That, and Liam’s growls in the night and his whispers in the morning and his kisses when Zayn ran into his arms after coming back from attending Halloween with Perrie, and Liam wasted no time in ripping off his costume muttering, “Who the hell does she think she is going as Cat Woman when you are clearly Captain Jack Sparrow, stupid girl.”  
  
Zayn had just chuckled, because how could he have let her go as Penelope Cruz? She wasn’t Liam.  
  
—-  
  
(the green boy)  
  
“So what do you think?” Liam asks, coming into Zayn’s dressing room. Zayn turns around, his eyes the size of saucers because he had caught a glimpse of Liam in the mirror he had been staring at.  
  
“Wow, you should wear pink more often,” Zayn teases, as Liam comes forward to stand right in front of him, the small of Zayn’s back pressed against the edge of his dressing table, as Liam surrounds him.  
  
“And you should dress up like a girl more often,” Liam says back, pulling a little at Zayn’s dangling earring.  
  
“Haha, very funny,” Zayn rolls his eyes, “Don’t even think that I have forgiven you for not standing up for me when they gave me this lady role.”  
  
“I am glad I didn’t,” Liam smirks, he has been doing that a lot lately, “because then I wouldn’t have ever got to see how perfect your ass looks in-“  
  
“Oh my god shut up Leeyum,” Zayn cuts him off, also Liam has just squeezed his ass and _fuck his life_ if that isn’t hot, “This is no time to turn me on.”  
  
He hides his pink face in Liam’s neck and hears Liam chuckle above.  
  
“Maybe I should take you home like this, we can sneak out before they can change you back, and then-“  
  
“Maybe you can fuck me wearing this,” Zayn breathes into his neck, his hand going up to toy with a light pink headband Liam is wearing.  
  
“You are a nasty little beast Zayn Malik,” Liam says, the smirk still painted on his face.  
  
And before Zayn can reply, there is sound of a door creaking open causing them both to jump apart. Louis and Harry come trotting into the room, Niall behind them. Harry is already in his get up, Niall and Louis are in their usual clothes. Niall looks like he has been recently fucked.  
  
“I knew we would find them here,” Louis says, as he comes inside, kicking the door behind them close and takes the nearest couch. Niall falls on it, beside Louis, with an exasperated sigh, whereas Harry just stands leaning carefully against the wall, toying with a pair of black framed glasses.  
  
“What do you want?” Liam asks, Zayn detecting a hint of annoyance in his voice. Louis fails to perceive it though, Niall is too darn tired to, and Harry just keeps staring, quizzically.  
  
“I wanted a couch,” Louis says, “And so did Niall.”  
  
“I am so tired mate,” Niall states the obvious, “They put like so many layers of clothing on me and I was sweating like a pig. Thank god we are done!”  
  
“It was fun though,” Louis says, “Different.”  
  
“Yeah,” Harry mutters, so not interested in the conversation.  
  
“How long till you are done Zayn?” Louis asks.  
  
“I don’t know, Lou asked me to wait so that is what I am doing,” Zayn says, turning back towards the mirror.  
  
“You look hot,” Louis comments.  
  
“Yeah, I was thinking the same,” Niall says, “If you weren’t my best friend, I would do you.”  
  
“Why are you here again?” Liam says, glaring at Niall.  
  
“Its loud outside, also no spare couches,” Niall says, not acknowledging the glare.  
  
Harry does though, saying, “Why are you here though, Liam? Weren’t you supposed to be changing? All of your scenes are done, after all.”  
  
“Yeah, why are _you_ here Liam?” Louis asks, like he has caught on this fact just now.  
  
“I came to check up on why Zayn was taking so long,” Liam answers, unblinkingly. He is also getting good at lying, Zayn mentally remarks.  
  
“Right,” Harry says, “Whatever you say. Anyway Zayn, be quick. We have our scenes to shoot. I am going to go change.”  
  
And with that Harry goes out.  
  
“Okay, I am not going to care what that was all about, instead I am going to lie here on Niall, and take a nap,” Louis yawns, doing exactly that.  
  
Zayn steals a glance at Liam, who is staring at him, with a stony look on his face. Zayn smirks at him, whispers, “I thought green didn't look good on you, I was wrong.”  
  
Liam bites his lip and glares.  
  
—-  
  
(the wild guesses)  
  
“What do you reckon, is going to happen if they find out?” Zayn asks one night.  
  
They are in some hotel room, with a pizza lying on the bed, as they watch a movie that is supposed to be scary but isn’t; a huge reason as to why Zayn isn’t interested in it, the other reason being Liam’s mouth that keeps nipping at his left ear.  
  
“They are probably going to leave the new house and move back to their old one,” Liam answers, distractedly.  
  
“What?” Zayn asks, confused.  
  
“Yeah, I mean, who would stay in a house full of vengeful demons,” Liam explains.  
  
“What the fuck are you talking about?”  
  
“This shit you are making me watch.” Liam waves towards the screen.  
  
“Ugh, I am not talking about the movie Liam,” Zayn says, facing him, “I am talking about the boys.”  
  
“What are they going to find out?”  
  
“About us!”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“So… what do you think is going to happen?”  
  
“I think Harry is going to kill me,” Liam says.  
  
“Why would you think that?”  
  
“I think he has a thing for you.”  
  
“You are just jealous.”  
  
“Maybe. But I am also pretty sure.”  
  
“I think it’s just that because of you I don’t give him as much time as I used to.”  
  
“Not my fault, okay. You never were supposed to be giving him time instead of me.”  
  
“He needs me sometimes.”  
  
“I need you all the time.”  
  
“I think he is in love with Louis.”  
  
“F- What?”  
  
“Its just a guess. A strong, wild one.”  
  
“I- what? But Louis- okay they are best friends, fans want them to date but- did Harry say it to you?”  
  
“No. I just know.”  
  
“What about Louis?”  
  
“I think Louis is oblivious. Because Harry doesn’t say or show anything.”  
  
“Or maybe Louis isn’t, he just doesn’t want to confront his feelings and Harry. And maybe they don’t want to break rules. It will be too easy to catch them.”  
  
“Hmm.”  
  
“So Harry won’t kill me then.”  
  
“He would kill me.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“Because I hid this from him, it’s just not right hiding things from him.”  
  
“I won’t let him kill you, don’t worry.”  
  
“And Niall will kill you probably.”  
  
“Louis would kill us all, before any of them actually.”  
  
Zayn chuckles, “Yeah.”  
  
—-  
  
(the revelation)  
  
It happens somewhere towards the end of their second tour. All Zayn knows is that it’s a Wednesday and that he is tired because he hasn’t had any sleep since two days. They are again in some foreign country, another name Zayn can’t pronounce, and its right after midnight. Liam had gone out with the boys an hour ago and Zayn had allowed him to because if Liam had stayed, Zayn was sure he wasn’t going to get any sleep. Now he has just woken up, and Liam is still not there, so letting him go might not have been a very good idea.  
  
He is bored now, still tired, but a large part of him just wants Liam in the bed with him. In a few days, they will be going back home for a break and he will have to stay away from Liam anyway, thus he just wants him back, with him, so he can make most of the time that they have left until then.  
  
When he can’t take it no more, agitated and impatient, Zayn texts Liam,  
  
00:23;  
 _Babe, where are you?_  
  
He doesn’t expect for the reply to be so quick, but it is.  
  
00:26;  
 **sum club boys r drunk. i miss u :(**  
  
Before Zayn can reply, there’s another message.  
  
00:26;  
 **y r u awake?**  
  
Zayn smiles while he types.  
  
00:27;  
 _Please just come back, I want you._  
  
00:29;  
 **u wil hav to wait**  
  
00:29;  
 _I don’t like waiting. I miss you._  
  
00:31;  
 **u need to sleep**  
  
00:32;  
 _I can’t sleep, not without you. :((((((_  
  
00:33;  
 **then keep trying**  
  
00:34;  
 _If you can’t hear what I’m trying to say._  
  
00:34;  
 _If you can't read from the same page._  
  
00:34;  
 _Maybe I am going deaf, maybe I am going bllliinnddd!!!_  
  
00:38;  
 **wtf r u doing?**  
  
00:40;  
 _Singing. Minding my own business. Never mind. ;)_  
  
00:41;  
 _YOU THE HOTTEST BITCH IN THAT PLACE!!_  
  
00:43;  
 _I feel so lucky!_  
  
00:44;  
 _You wanna hug me? What rhymes with hug me?_  
  
00:46;  
 _Suck me?_  
  
00:46;  
 _Or. Fuck me?_  
  
00:49;  
 **stop zayn.**  
  
00:52;  
 _Liberate me?_  
  
00:53;  
 _Go ahead, get at me._  
  
00:53;  
 _Tell me am I a good giiiirirl?_  
  
01:03;  
 _Now if you don’t come back this second, no sex for a month._  
  
01:05;  
 _Liam?_  
  
01:05;  
 _Liam don’t ignore me!_  
  
01:07;  
 _Don’t. Ignore. Me._  
  
01:11;  
 _LEEYUMMMMM!!!!!!!_  
  
01:15;  
 _Babyy???_  
  
01:18;  
 _Liam Liam Liam Liam Liam!!!_  
  
00:21;  
 _:'(((((((((((((((((((((_  
  
01:25;  
 _I am going to start singing candy shop if you don’t reply!_  
  
01:26;  
 _Or climax maybe._  
  
01:27;  
 _LIAM TALK TO MEEEEE!!!_  
  
01:31;  
 _I MISS YOU. :(_  
  
01:33;  
 **open the god damn door u little fucker**  
  
The smile on Zayn’s face is a picture of utter elation, as he rolls off the bed and makes his way to the door. One moment Zayn is opening the door with a victorious smile on his face, and in another he is pressed firm against the same door, a hand pulling his hair back to expose his neck to Liam’s mouth. “Fuck, Liam,” Zayn says, arching into Liam who smells strongly of sweat and booze and is adamant on bruising every inch of skin that comes under his mouth.  
  
“You. Are. Impossible.” Liam manages to say in between.  
  
“Sorry, but allowing you to go was a bad idea,” Zayn mumbles, trying to catch his breath.  
  
“I hate you so much,” Liam murmurs, causing him to laugh throatily.  
  
“Yeah Liam, it shows.”  
  
“Being cocky are we?” Liam asks teasingly, lifting his head up to look at his flushed face. Liam’s lips and chin are wet at all the right places, its obscene. Zayn wonders how his collarbones might look in the morning, how much make up will they put on him to cover the red and purple. If he wasn’t hard in his jeans already, this thought alone would have made him.  
  
“I don’t know about that,” he finally says, licks his lips, “But if you don’t put your cock in me soon, I am sure I am going to explode.”  
  
“You make life really hard for me you know,” Liam says, lifting Zayn off the ground effortlessly. He carries him to the bed, kissing his neck all the way, and Zayn just clings to him like a koala, smiling his widest smile and wondering if they can possibly have sex in this position.  
  
Liam has him spread out on the bed underneath him in no time, dropping a kiss to his forehead as he pulls his boxers down. Not all the way, just until they are around his knees. He had already been shirtless when Liam came back, so Liam doesn’t have to go through the process of removing his shirt, it just makes it easier for him to kiss anywhere and everywhere he wants to.  
  
Zayn, desperate to touch and take scrambles at Liam’s shirt, “Take it off, Li.”  
  
And using just one hand, Liam pulls his tank top off and throws it away. Zayn pulls Liam down by the neck, hard on himself, until his lips are on Liam, tasting away the distinct taste of vodka from it. Their tongues battle roughly for a long time, taking and giving. Until Zayn is biting at Liam’s bottom lip impatiently, letting out moans he isn’t proud of but can’t keep in either. His hands move down to Liam’s belt buckle, as he hurriedly tries to get rid of it, only that Liam grabs his wrists suddenly, not allowing him to do that.  
  
“No,” Liam breathes in his mouth, “You aren't getting it yet.”  
  
And Liam is such a fucking tease sometimes, he always was, and Zayn fucking loves him so much to protest. So he just moans in response, an objection or a submission, he doesn’t know.  
  
Then Zayn goes blind for a moment, when Liam starts to grind down on him, slow and fast at the same time. Perfect. The rough fabric of Liam’s jeans rotating evenly on his bare cock and Zayn just keeps on making sounds that he is glad Liam swallows, not allowing them to be heard. His hands clutch at Liam’s shoulders, his nails digging when Liam finally wraps his hand around his aching cock.  
  
“Oh Liam,” is the only thing he is capable of saying, when Liam moves from his mouth to nip back at the crook of his neck. It makes Zayn shudder and shatter.  
  
“You are so hot,” Liam murmurs, stroking Zayn, thumbing at the head a little. But not applying enough pressure, not being fast enough, just not enough. “Liam, please...” Zayn begs, but it is of no use, it never is.  
  
After about two minutes of just grinding down on him, stroking him gently and playing with the precum oozing from above, Liam finally starts pumping his cock. He is hard and fast, and Zayn bites his ear a bit too hard to stop the scream. Liam keeps up his pace, resolute on making him cum like this. Judging by the pleasure running up and down his body, Zayn knows he is not far away from it anyway.  
  
He keeps arching up into Liam, Liam pushing him back down. His hand is working furiously on Zayn’s dick, feeling it swell underneath. Bending down, Liam joins his lips with Zayn’s once more, and bites hard on his bottom lip. That is all it takes for Zayn to moan his best moan ever, and cum all over Liam’s fist, jeans, coating both their abdomens in a white mess.  
  
“Screw you, Liam,” he breathes, coming down from his high, when Liam laughs and smears the cum on his stomach a little. He kisses him once or twice again, unrushed and deep.  
  
“You are beautiful,” he whispers to Zayn, like he’s sharing a secret that Zayn should be aware of.  
  
“Can you clean me up?” Zayn chuckles back, he can never take a compliment from Liam without instantly changing the subject. Also, he is not beautiful. That is Liam, every inch of him, every shade of him.  
  
“I am tired,” Liam says, but rolls off Zayn anyway to grab the shirt he had discarded before. He begins to clean Zayn off as the other boy just lies back with his hands behind his head, looking down at the picture of Liam in front of him, admiring. He can’t really stop himself when he uses his legs to enclose Liam’s waist and pull him on top of him again.  
  
“Forget it, we will clean the rest later,” Zayn says.  
  
When they hear the door open and then hurried footsteps, this time they just don’t have enough time to move away. Before Liam can even completely get off Zayn, three boys are already in the room and Louis is the first one to gasp. And it’s a little like this: “Zayn is Liam with y- *gasp*”  
  
“What the fuck is going on?” Niall voices the question that Louis was unable to, while Liam gets on his feet, throwing the shirt behind him and Zayn pulls up his boxers, his face a deep shade of red. He doesn’t look back at the boys until he has himself covered with the blanket, and when he finally does look, he wishes he hadn’t.  
  
Louis looks completely shocked and dejected, Niall’s mouth is still hanging open and there is Harry between the both of them, looking at Zayn with eyes full of hurt, and betrayal. Guilt at the bottom of Zayn’s stomach.  
  
“Look Louis, it is-” Liam starts.  
  
Louis holds his hand up, silencing him. “Don’t tell me it is not what it looks like, because I am not taking any of your shit,” Louis says, the disgust in his voice is intense.  
  
Liam sighs, “Actually, it is _exactly_ what it looks like.”  
  
The silence is both loud and utter. Niall, unable to stand maybe, walks to the couch beside Zayn’s bed and sits on it, his head in his hands. Zayn thinks he hates him. He must hate him, obviously.  
  
“You hid this from us?” Niall says.  
  
Both Zayn and Liam have no suitable answer to that.  
  
“You hid that you have been doing each other? You- fuck you both, damn it! Since when do we hide things from each other?” Niall says again, his voice is a mixture of hurt and furious.  
  
“More than that, you didn’t tell us you were gay?” Louis asks, still astonished.  
  
“Also, this isn’t allowed, management said this wasn’t allowed,” Harry states, like that’s the most pressing matter right now.  
  
Every sympathy and emotion Zayn had for Harry vaporizes at that comment, and he shoots at him without thinking, just angry at him for bringing that up right now and reminding the boys, “You brought them here didn’t you? You sucker! Because I didn’t tell you about this so you decided to have everybody walk in on us, Harry I didn’t expect this from you!”  
  
Harry just stares back at him, gaze stony and disbelieving. Louis is the one who answers Zayn, “Don’t have a go at him when you’re the one at fault here. He didn’t do anything! Liam suddenly just disappeared off the club and we were worried, damn it!”  
  
“I am surprised at how low you think of me, Zayn,” Harry says.  
  
“Both of you, calm down,” Liam says, firmly. Zayn gulps his retort back.  
  
“Don’t ask anybody to fucking calm down okay? I mean what the fuck, how long has this been even going on?” Louis asks.  
  
“Since- I don’t know. Somewhere right after the Xfactor,” Liam answers.  
  
Niall bolts his head up in surprise and Harry gasps, “Holy shit, what?”  
  
“You are hooking up since the moment we were put together?” Niall asks, shocked beyond anything.  
  
“We aren’t ‘hooking up’ Niall, it’s not just hooking up,” Liam says.  
  
“Well, fucking each other then?”  
  
“I am in love with him,” Liam says, he glances at Zayn. That is the first time Liam has said that out loud to _anybody._ It’s like their secret is out, something the only two of them knew, and now other people do too. And it sounds so sincere and genuine and foreign and true at the same time, coming easily out of Liam’s mouth like that. Zayn melts under the blanket, and says,  
  
“And I with him.”  
  
“Fuck,” Niall says.  
  
“And you didn’t think it was necessary to tell us?” Louis says. He is still pretty furious.  
  
“We didn’t know how to,” Liam says.  
  
“Well, a small, ‘we are in love and we fuck’ would have been good Liam! And you,” he turns to Zayn, “I thought we were supposed to have this special type of bro code where we told each other every fucking thing that was important to us!”  
  
“I couldn’t Lou,” Zayn says in a small voice, “I didn’t know how you’d take it! We didn’t know how anyone of you would take it!”  
  
“Well, congratulations Zayn, because now you know,” Louis shoots back, turning around and walking out without another look or word towards his best friends.  
  
Harry stays put, his hands behind his back, as he looks from Liam to Zayn. He finally says, “I don’t know what to say.”  
  
“Forgive me, Harry,” Zayn says, his anger decreasing, “You know I would tell you if I could, right? You know how I feel right?”  
  
“How the fuck do you expect me to know when you never told me?” Harry asks confused.  
  
“Because you feel it too, right? You know because you feel it too, for Lo-”  
  
“I don't know what you are getting at,” Harry cuts him off hurriedly, “And it’s not about me Zayn, it’s not about you and me either. It’s about us, all of us. I am not the only one you have to apologize to. And I don’t think this (he waves his hand towards them) is the correct way to apologize either.”  
  
Then Harry is quickly walking out too, leaving Niall behind. He is still looking at Liam, probably not knowing what to say. Liam doesn’t say anything either, Zayn wonders if he would have if he was the Liam from two years ago.  
  
“I thought you trusted me, mate,” Niall says, more to Liam than to Zayn.  
  
“I do,” Liam says, “I am sorry.”  
  
“I don’t feel like talking about this right now, had too much to drink, maybe this is just a fucking nightmare.”  
  
“It’s not Niall. Accept it, please.”  
  
“In the morning, I will deal with this in the morning,” Niall says, getting up, “Maybe it’s just in my head. Because I love you Payno, and you wouldn’t hide such a thing from me, right?”  
  
“Niall.”  
  
“Yeah, okay. Tomorrow, then.”  
  
And just like that, Niall is walking away from them too. Zayn looks at Liam, distressed. He watches as Liam stares at the door that slams behind Niall, and gulps. They are both silent.  
  
“Li...” Zayn finally calls out at him, because it feels like he’s the only one left to call out to.  
  
Liam looks at him, eyes full of various emotions that Zayn can’t figure, but he does know that his own eyes must be mirroring them. And then to Zayn's utmost horror, a tear drop makes its way down Liam's cheek as he stifles a sob, and sits on the bed. He throws his head in his hands and mutters, “Shit.”  
  
Zayn bites his lip, unsure, and reaches out to touch Liam's shoulder. He is so scared because it has been a long time since he last saw Liam cry, he is scared that Liam will push him away because it is partly because of his existence that Liam is in this position, he is scared that its over, he is so scared.  
  
When his palm comes in contact with Liam's shoulder though, the dread in the pit of his stomach fades away. Liam doesn't move away, he just lifts his head back up and looks at him. His eyes are glassy, but there are no tears falling.  
  
Zayn musters up his strongest voice and says, “Remember when you said we'll get through this? We will make everything right?”  
  
Liam smiles at his feeble attempt despite himself, “Yes.”  
  
“Then we will.”  
  
Sniffing, Liam moves forward to put his arm around Zayn, pulling him on his lap, hugging him close, along with the blanket he's enveloped in.  
  
“I love you,” Liam says into his hair, once he's had his face buried in it, arms secured tightly around Zayn.  
  
“And I more than love you, Liam.”  
  
—-  
  
(the unexpected)  
  
Next day, Liam and Zayn are struck by something they hadn't anticipated. For when they walk out of their shared room to what is supposed to be a hall, where they had to gather for a small meeting before their upcoming promotional interviews, they don't find a sulky Louis, or an angry Harry or a disappointed Niall like they had been expecting to. Instead, they find Will, their manager, waiting for them. Alone.  
  
“Hey,” Liam says uneasily, as confused as Zayn behind him, not knowing where the boys are.  
  
Will, who is been perched on one of the chairs placed around a big round table, just waves his hand nonchalantly, signaling them to take seats.  
  
“I thought we'd have a little chat,” Will says, while Zayn and Liam do as they are told.  
  
Making sure, his leg touches Liam's when he sits beside him, Zayn finally settles. He knows his heart beat is the bad kind of erratic right now, the kind which you get when you are expecting something bad to happen.  
  
Once the boys are seated, Will leans a little in towards them, and he looks dead serious. More than he had looked during their very first band meeting, the one they had in the presence of Simon Cowell.  
  
“Tell me, what I hear isn't true,” is the simple statement Will throws their way, and Zayn can feel the bile coming up, because his friends wouldn't.  
  
“What're you talking about?” Liam asks, although the shaking of his leg against Zayn's, gives away how he in fact does know what this is all about.  
  
“Wow, so you both don't know. I'm impressed, because by what Louis has told me, you both should know what the fuck I am talking about,” Will says, no emotion in his voice. Just anger  
  
Liam is quiet after that, Zayn is frozen. His brain is short circuiting, and it's not the kind when Liam kisses him, it's the other kind, the one he's not a fan of.  
  
“Speak, Liam,” Will says, “I've seen you getting all brave and assertive recently, how is it that now you don't have a good answer?”  
  
Zayn can feel the shaking in Liam's leg increase. He glances down to see his hands clenched in fists in his lap, all he wants to do its reach out and hold his hands. But Zayn can't, so he just rubs his knee against Liam's, soothingly. He needs Liam to calm down, he needs him to save them, because he's not as courageous or brave.  
  
“Speak,” Will orders, slapping the surface of the desk in anger and Liam just shouts at him, his words coming out fast, but slow enough to understand all the same.  
  
“GIVE US A BREAK GOD DAMN IT! YES WHAT YOU HEARD FROM OUR FRIENDS IS TRUE AND IT IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE!”  
  
When Liam punches the wooden desk, somewhere in between his outburst, Zayn's blood runs cold all of a sudden. Will is looking at them with his seething eyes, every sign is a bad one.  
  
“You both, I should have guessed,” Will says.  
  
Liam breathes out, Zayn blinks dreading Will's next sentence.  
  
“Do you remember the rules, do you remember the things you signed up to, the contract that clearly stated how what your label says you have to do no matter what? Was I fucking talking to air when I asked if you were gay, was I not clear on how you weren't supposed to date inside the band? God damn it, Liam! I counted on you, you were the one supposed to keep away from this! And what did you do? You disappointed me, you let Zayn mislead you! What were you thinking?”  
  
Zayn swallows real hard at that, both the bulge in his throat and his tears. Liam is looking stone faced at Will, his hands are still clenched.  
  
“How dare you?” Liam whispers furiously, the whisper sharp enough to pierce through the thickest of gases, “I swear, do not speak about him like that!”  
  
“Really?” Will says, menacingly, and he turns to Zayn, “You, tell me you are not the one who has ruined him.”  
  
He is glad his tears aren't falling, he is glad he isn't throwing up. He is so glad when Liam nudges his knee with his, and he is glad when he puts up his strongest face and retorts, “I haven't. You are the one who has, all of you.”  
  
The change of expression on Will's face is- it just can't be describe. The color of his face changes from furious red to a pale yellow to a dangerous red again.  
  
“Now you are going to talk back too, things young love does to people. You know what else it does? It takes away your careers and crushes them right under their big noses.”  
  
“I seriously don't care,” Liam says. “Kick me out if you want to, do it right now. Zayn can come with me if he wants to.”  
  
“Well well well. Will you want to, Zayn?” Will asks, eyebrows raised.  
  
“Always,” Zayn says, final.  
  
“Yeah well it's unlucky to be you two then, because according to both of your contracts, you are trapped with the asshole, that is me, for at least seven more years. And so, you will not be asked or allowed to leave, not even if you want to. So don't worry about that.”  
  
Zayn doesn't know where this is going, apparently Liam doesn't either.  
  
“Instead, what you need to worry about is your movie premiere which is just a week away now. And things are going to change at that premiere boys, plus you're going to have to go with it.”  
  
“What kind of things?” Liam asks, he will do anything and everything if it means that he gets to stay with Zayn.  
  
“Things like getting you a girl to accompany you to the premiere, and don't give me that anxious face, I have already arranged a girl. And Zayn you, you are getting engaged.”  
  
“What?!” Liam and Zayn both shout at the same time, unsurprisingly, Liam's voice is louder than Zayn.  
  
“Yes, I have already talked to your girlfriend.”  
  
“She's not my girlfriend!” (“She's not his fucking girlfriend!”)  
  
“Oh yeah, you are right. Because now she is your fiancé.”  
  
“But you can not do this to him,” Liam protests, Zayn can't speak because the lump in his throat is bigger than ever.  
  
“Actually,” Will says as he stands up to leave. What's the point of staying when he is left with no more bombs to cruelly drop on them, “I can.”  
  
“Perrie agreed to this?” Zayn finds his voice to ask, because he had liked her, always, but now, he is having serious second thoughts.  
  
“Yes, she had to,” Will explains, “Their new album is coming up, she needs all the promotion she can get. And you are the one who promised to help, and now you are the one who will put a ring on her finger.”  
  
“He won't,” Liam grits his teeth.  
  
“Your mumbling is not going to change anything,” Will says.  
  
“I won't let it happen,” Liam says.  
  
Will ignored him, “I don't want to hear what you have to say. Rush, you have a big interview in an hour.”  
  
—-  
  
(the breaking)  
  
The silence in the SUV is excruciating. It’s excruciatingly painful, uncomfortable and dreadful. Excruciating.  
  
Zayn is sitting with his forehead pressed against the window, his left side pressed against Liam. He refuses to look at anything, focusing on the life outside that passes like a blur as the vehicle rushes forward. Liam is also staring out the window, not acknowledging the three other people in the SUV.  
  
Both the boys don’t really know how they feel yet. They had just been ordered to do things they aren’t ready for. Just when they thought everything was going fine, just when things had started to go back to lazy and happy from hectic and anxious, their lives had been pushed the other way round, and all of it because of three people who they trusted with their god damn lives.  
  
Betrayal hurts like hell. But betrayal in friendship, that hurts like a bitch.  
  
Zayn feels a foot nudge his shin, he knows its Harry. Obviously, it’s Harry. Zayn stares pointedly out the window, signifying that he doesn’t want to talk. Not for the next hundred years at least.  
  
“Zee?” Harry finally says, Zayn senses Liam turn his head to look at Harry. He can only imagine the look on Liam’s face, doesn’t bother to check if his imagination is accurate.  
  
It must be, because Harry doesn’t say anything after that. Zayn holds a tear, and continues ignoring everything, his heart isn’t working. It’s just aching. Liam’s touch normally calms his senses, but right now it’s just reminding him of what lies ahead.  
  
He is not ready to give his name to a person who isn’t Liam Payne. Liam Malik sounds best, Zayn Payne sounds more best. It sounds right, its sounds like it was meant to be. Zayn will never let a band be slipped on his finger by someone who isn’t Liam. He won’t even buy a ring for someone who isn’t Liam. Not even if it’s not for real.  
  
It’s funny how his life is such a big scripted movie, controlled by people he didn’t even know until he was sixteen. Sometimes, the idea of God just fails him completely. Like _what are You even doing up there letting these bastards control my life? Why are You not helping, why can’t You fucking see me breaking, why did You have to choose Liam for me and then make it all so difficult? You think you are funny but no You are not. Thank You for giving me Liam though, I still don’t understand You._  
  
To be honest, Zayn just wants the car to stop and for once write the story of his life himself. A single chapter at least, just a chapter. Only like twenty five thousand words, just the way he wants – which right now would be jumping out of the car, grabbing Liam and running away from everything.  
  
“We should talk.”  
  
It’s Louis who brings Zayn back to reality. Fuck, Louis. He might think it’s easy to talk now, but he doesn’t know a single thing, because it’s not easy to talk when Zayn literally wants to punch him everywhere and by the looks of it, Liam wants to rip him apart.  
  
“Go fuck yourself,” Liam snaps at him.  
  
“You need to calm the fuck down!” Louis shouts instantly.  
  
Zayn just stares back at him while Liam voices his thoughts for him, “Don’t make me do something I will regret later, not before the interview at least.”  
  
Louis is foolish because he asks, “Really? What are you going to do Liam, kill me?”  
  
“Yes. I swear to fucking god, I will.”  
  
The tenacity in Liam’s voice is such that it makes all the color drain out of Louis’ face, leaving a pale deathly yellowness behind. Zayn watches, he relishes in it. Seventy two hours ago, he would have stood up for Louis if Liam had been this rude to him, but now. Things have changed.  
  
And it shows. It’s crystal clear. Because when Louis looks at Zayn, his face a mask of disbelief, Zayn just glares at him with every particle of hatred present in him, and turns back to staring out the window. He hears a sniff, Niall or Harry he doesn’t know. Or care.  
  
The excruciating silence returns. Only now, it’s louder than before as Zayn hears bonds breaking, links shattering and the pledges of friendship crashing down all around him.  
  
Sadly, he doesn’t give a fuck.  
  
—-  
  
(the tempest)  
  
The boys come back to the building they had rented for their five day stay in the country. Five rooms with three spares, a hall, a living room, gym, night club, garage, the likes.  
  
The interview had not been anything unlike their usual interviews. Questions about the ending of their tour, their upcoming premiere, a little movie promotion combined with their idiocy as they sat and pretended to laugh and smile like nothing had changed. When in real, everything had.  
  
They hadn’t talked on their way back either. Anger was painted over Liam, and a stony expression all over Zayn. The three other boys had no idea what to say. But certain things are never left unsaid, eventually, they come out. They are said, you just _have_ to talk.  
  
So, before Zayn and Liam can abandon the boys in the hall and silently make their way to their rooms (room), Louis stops them again. This time not with a sentence poorly phrased, but physically. Which might have not been the best thing to do considering Liam’s heavy build and Louis' small physique compared to it, but well, Louis is taking his chances.  
  
“Silent treatment will not do any of us any good,” Louis blocks Liam’s path causing Liam to abruptly halt in his steps, “We have to sit and talk.”  
  
“There’s nothing to talk about Louis, get out of my way,” Liam snaps.  
  
“No,” Louis is resolute; Zayn knows how he is trying to be so brave when actually he isn’t feeling like that at all.  
  
“Louis, listen to him,” Zayn says from where he is standing behind Liam. He makes his voice sound as warning-like as possible. Louis doesn’t waver.  
  
“I really want to see what he is going to do,” Louis says, a glint of challenge in his eye and he really shouldn’t have.  
  
Because Liam’s fist is on his jaw like a flash of light, so fast and hard, that Zayn doesn’t even get enough time to let a proper gasp out. He doesn’t know what’s happening, but suddenly there is screaming and shouting all around him and he wants to take Liam’s hand and run away from this mess, run away before they break something else, run away before something else crashes down.  
  
When he gets his mind to work properly again, he sees Harry holding a crouched Louis, who is rubbing his jaw with his hand that is covered in something crimson, the sight of which makes Zayn’s stomach clench painfully. That isn’t all, Louis’ left eyes is turning a shade of purple-blue by the second, and Zayn knows make up wouldn’t be able to cover the result of all this. A small part of him, a very small one, wants to step forward and prevent Liam from inflicting further damage onto his best mate, but Zayn just lets the events unroll in front of his eyes. (also a part of him is assured that liam would not hurt louis more because niall is standing between them and liam would never lay a hand on niall, never.)  
  
“Please Li, sit down, we can talk this out,” Niall is saying, Louis is sniffing into Harry’s sleeve who is staring daggers at Liam. Zayn wonders if he would hit Harry if Harry as much as touched Liam. He decides he doesn’t want to think about the answer.  
  
“I don’t want to talk Niall, why can’t you all just let us be alone while we can? Don’t you think you have done enough damage?” Liam says, through gritted teeth.  
  
“Look, we didn’t mean to-“  
  
“You didn’t mean to what?” and Zayn is speaking now, he doesn’t know how but he is, “You didn’t mean to tell on us? It just happened by accident? Oh wait, you must have accidentally let it slip-“  
  
“It _did_ happen by accident actually Zayn,” Harry cuts him off.  
  
Zayn shifts his eyes to him, “What do you mean? How in the world could it have happened by accident?”  
  
“We were talking about you two, and he heard us. We didn’t know he was there until he interfered, when he did do that, he had already heard too much,” Harry explains, hand rubbing over Louis’ eye.  
  
“I had no choice then, I had to tell him everything,” Louis’ small voice interrupts.  
  
“You didn’t have a fucking choice?” Liam towers above him, still shouting, “You could have kept your trap shut when he asked you about us and you didn’t have a fucking choice?”  
  
Liam moves ahead to launch himself on Louis again only that Niall blocks him with his chest, strong hands gripping his shoulders.  
  
“You don’t know the entire story Liam,” Niall tries, “He knew you and Zayn were sleeping together when he came to us and so Louis just said it wasn’t fucking, it was real and that you both are figuring it out. All of us are figuring it out, and it will be fine. He said what you told us-“  
  
“You guys are so fucking funny,” Liam says humorlessly, “You told him we were in a fucking relationship? Even when you knew what the consequences might be?”  
  
“You did break the rules, none of us even dared, but you were supposed to be the sensible one and you did,” Louis has the audacity to say. “Do you even know how much trouble we could get in if this doesn’t stop now?”  
  
“Maybe, I don’t,” Liam says, not bothering to reach Louis now, he looks straight into his eyes when he speaks though, “But you know what I know? I know that if you and Harry suddenly see the light and stop running away from your god damn feelings and eventually start to fuck, I would never tell on you. Not even if the alternative is death!”  
  
That hushes everyone down for a very long time. During that time, Niall just looks back and forth between Louis and Harry with an astonished expression on his face while the above mentioned lads look directly into each other’s eyes, Louis still encompassed in Harry’s arms. Liam still has his fists clenched as Zayn is standing still behind him, now touching.  
  
“And there is one other thing you all should know,” Liam starts again, when the atmosphere has been standing still for too much time, “its because of your big ass mouths that Zayn is going to have to get engaged to somebody who is not me! People are going to know about it, people are going to believe in it and guess what I am gonna do? I am going to sit here, despising them and hating every single one of you!”  
  
“Eng- engaged, what?” Harry asks, his attention diverting from Louis to Zayn immediately.  
  
“They are going to pull another publicity stunt, oh not to forget, I will soon be introducing you all to another stranger woman, who will be all over me as long as she wants and I will let her because I have to. So congratulations Louis, you are not the only one now, you must be so glad,” Liam screams some more, before he loses patience and shoves Niall away, making a beeline for the stairs. He knows if he stays here any longer, he might break a few noses and jaws.  
  
When Zayn is left alone with them, wanting more than anything to follow Liam but giving in to the urge that is keeping him here, Harry asks, “You are getting engaged?”  
  
“Apparently,” Zayn gulps, it hurts every time.  
  
“They can’t make you do that,” Niall says.  
  
“They can,” Zayn answers, “And they are.”  
  
“I am sorry,” Louis mutters in a small voice. “I didn’t know it would be this bad.”  
  
Zayn has to put himself really really really _really_ up there in order to not snort in response. But he can’t help himself when he says, “You should have thought about it before.”  
  
Harry opens his mouth to say something that Zayn doesn't want to listen to, so he walks past Niall and up the stairs, to check on Liam.  
  
—-  
  
(the end)  
  
Liam is standing by the giant window, staring out, the city stretching below him. Bright, celebratory, peaceful, calm. The opposite of what he feels right now.  
  
His thoughts are a mess; his emotions are all over the place. And his knuckles hurt, making him hate himself for hitting Louis so hard. He hadn’t meant to really, he had loathed Louis in that moment a lot but smashing his face wasn’t in his list of priorities. He is so sorry but he is also not in a way and its too much to handle because it hurts.  
  
Soft hands touch his shoulders from behind and he leans into the touch automatically, a chin rests on his shoulder and long inked arms go around his waist, small hands linking over his stomach.  
  
“Babe, you okay?” Zayn whispers lightly into his ear.  
  
“I didn’t mean to,” Liam says, his voice threatening to crack.  
  
Zayn doesn’t ask him to elaborate, “Yeah, I know.”  
  
“He shouldn’t have done it,” Liam justifies.  
  
“I know.”  
  
“But I didn’t mean to hurt him.”  
  
“You can never mean to hurt anybody Liam,” Zayn says, and it is true. Liam might have changed into a hardened up, bad ass over time but inside, he is still that caring, concerned and apprehensive boy Zayn had once wanted to ruin. Funny how it has been the other way round all along.  
  
“What will we do now Zayn? Our friends are against us, everybody is against us. Where do we go from here?”  
  
Zayn doesn’t know what to say, he was never good with decisions. If he had been, what a life it would have been for him. He doesn’t make decisions, he follows Liam. Because Liam is what defines him and Liam is what keeps him safe. And he wants to stay that way, and he wants Liam to have the first say. But sometimes when Liam breaks, like right now, Zayn knows he has to step up. And recently, Liam has been breaking a lot.  
  
“We have each other,” he says, hoping that it’s enough for Liam, like it is enough for him, “As long as I have you, I don’t care what happens to me. And I don’t care who is against me.”  
  
Zayn sees Liam smile in the faint reflection of them in the window, his heart bursts with elatedness. Making Liam smile always does that to him.  
  
“Yeah,” Liam says, “Just never hate me Zayn, I might have not been good lately, but just don’t hate me. I don’t think what I’ll do if you turn into everybody else. I need you if I have to fight for us, and I promise, I _will_ fight for us, for both of us.”  
  
“I believe you. I know you will.”  
  
“Never hate me.”  
  
“Never can.”  
  
They stand in silence, they like how the time slows down around them. No rush, no haste, just them two, away from the world. But their moment of bliss is short termed. They have to jerk apart, startled, when Zayn’s phone starts ringing. Zayn makes a reluctant noise before sliding his arms off Liam’s waist and pulling his mobile out. Liam watches as his face turns into a mask of anxious when he looks up at Liam and says in a small voice, “Its Will.”  
  
“Pick it up,” Liam says, swallowing hard. Why is it so difficult to be left alone?  
  
Zayn presses the answer option and puts the phone on speaker, “Hello?”  
  
“Zayn. Where are you?” the voice comes out of the speaker.  
  
“Uh… I am in my room,” Zayn answers, looking at Liam who has his lips pursed in a tight line.  
  
“Really?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Who else is with you?”  
  
“Nobody,” he says when Liam shakes his head at him.  
  
“Where is Liam?”  
  
“I don’t know. In his room, maybe.”  
  
“Okay good, because you are going to tell nobody, pack your bags, and come into the garage this instant. Quick.”  
  
“What?!” Zayn asks baffled, Liam mirroring his expression.  
  
“You are going back to London; you have to be seen with Perrie if we are announcing your engagement in a week, if you didn’t know engagements don’t happen over the phone.”  
  
“I have to leave right now?”  
  
“Yes, I have booked the flight, a driver is waiting in the garage to take you to the airport. Hurry.”  
  
“But..”  
  
“You are going back right now Zayn, that’s final. You'll be coming back in two days for the TCAs _with_ Perrie. Now get packing.”  
  
There is a clicking sound after that, signaling Will has hung up. Zayn doesn’t get time to react for Liam is making a grunting sound; he is growling and snarling at the same time. The kind of sound he makes when he is angry, when he stubs his toe or accidentally hits the edge of a table with his waist, while he walks to the nearest wall and punches it with the same fist he had hit Louis with. He knows what this is, they are not going to let Zayn stay with him now, they are going to take him away every time they have some time together, there is always going to be a reason, they are going to force them apart until one of them forgets the other or one of them breaks down completely.  
  
He doesn’t resist though when arms, too weak for him, push him away from the wall and Zayn is hugging him from behind, snuggling his face into the nape of his neck, and muttering a chain of “its okay liam i love you i love you i love you” and Liam calms down because Zayn needs him, his limbs failing him as he falls to the ground. And like expected, Zayn falls with him, still holding him tightly to himself, and crying because where Liam punches walls to vent out his frustration, Zayn cries.  
  
“They are never going to leave us alone, Zayn. They are going to force us away every time we try,” Liam says, voice hoarse. He hates being weak, he isn't the Liam who used to cry, he hates that Liam.  
  
“Then we will try harder, Li, and no one will force us away. You have me stuck to yourself for life, I might be going away but you know you are the only one I will come back to.”  
  
“Try to stay away from her as much as possible,” Liam says, “I don't want you smelling like her when you come back.”  
  
“I will.”  
  
“And miss me a lot.”  
  
“Obviously.”  
  
“And you belong to me.”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“And you love me.”  
  
“You.”  
  
“Don’t let her make you wear a ring. Break her face if she tries.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“I love you Zayn.”  
  
“MTL, Liam.”  
  
Liam chuckles, wiping his nose, “Yeah.”  
  
“And I will be back as soon as I can,” Zayn says, kisses his head.  
  
“Then we also have to write our own dictionary,” Liam says.  
  
“You remember that?”  
  
“I remember everything, when it’s you.”  
  
“You are the best thing in my life,” Zayn states.  
  
Then they are kissing. Tongue and teeth, rough but slow. Liam taking as much of him as he can, so that the taste can last long enough, until he can claim Zayn’s mouth again, Until he can touch him again, and if you were as desperately in love with someone as he is with Zayn, you would understand. You would understand how hard it is to stop kissing, to stop crying as you let go, as you watch them pack and you help them with a weight on your heart, and you walk downstairs with them, knowing you won’t be seeing them for god knows how many hours once they are out that door. And you kiss them again, and you memorize the touch of their fingers on your face and you wish them a fun flight even when you don't want them to have fun without you, and they say how they'll miss you too much to have any kind of fun, and they say your name like _'Leeyum'_ as you wave and they disappear into the darkness of the night, and you stand there with a hole in your chest and tears on your face. It’s so hard, it’s so damn hard.  
  
—-  
  
(the almost-make up)  
  
Like always, his day starts with a run. He hasn't really slept last night because he couldn't, and Harry had come too a many times knocking on the door with an audible whisper of, “Zayn, can we please talk? Please?”  
  
There had been vehemence in Harry's voice, but Liam just lay there on the bed, clutching Zayn's pillow to himself, as he heard Harry come and go, not bothering to open the door and tell him how they had taken Zayn away from him.  
  
The leaves crunch beneath his feet as he keeps jogging/running/rushing, the gush of hot wind and the intensity of sunlight bathing his face. Weirdly, it helps him forget things, it helps clear his mind, it helps him to stop from hitting something when he thinks about Louis, and how he has nobody on his side. Except Zayn.  
  
He wants to talk to his mom, or his dad or even his sister about this. Because they are the only ones who he believes won't judge him, but he doesn't want to worry them. They already worry about him too much. His mom will probably just burst out crying if he as much as tells her what's going on. He isn't ready for more crying so he decides against it and just keeps running.  
  
It's like his life, the running. Fast, nonstop, continuous. No breaks. Everything a fading blur. Not enough time to think, not enough time to wonder, not enough time to take a breath. Extracting the energy out of him, making him so tired that every particle in his body aches. It also comes with a thrill though. The rush. The escape. Adrenaline bursting through his veins. Making him smile so wide. Sometimes but. The other times, it's just quick, like a movie put on fast forward.  
  
When he reaches home, he wants to just turn back and start running again. But the hope of Zayn calling him makes him step inside. Not a good decision.  
  
The boys are sitting in the lounge, Niall with a box of cereal on his lap whereas Louis and Harry are sitting so close on the bigger couch, it's hard to tell who is who. They look up when Liam comes in and Louis instantly gets up.  
  
“I know you are mad at me,” Louis begins, his hands squeezing each other, “But please listen to me?”  
  
Liam just keeps standing, he is a little out of breath and a little sweaty and he doesn't know why but his feet refuse to listen to him when he tells them to take him back to his room.  
  
“I am sorry Liam, I really am sorry,” Louis starts when Liam doesn't make any effort to stop him, “I was really- I felt betrayed and you know I love you both like a big brother and I couldn't believe Zayn would hide something like this from me. I thought you were just- just- just fooling around and one of you would get hurt because Zayn has this habit of thinking with his heart and you know, I didn't want him getting hurt.”  
  
Liam opens his mouth to make a snide remark at that but Louis cuts him off before he can begin, “I know okay, I know what you are going to say. I take full responsibility for that. But I didn't mean to Liam, I thought Will would leave us alone to figure this out, I thought Zayn had a girlfriend so what damage could it do anyway. I didn't know they would take things that far. I'm so sorry and please also tell Zayn that when he wakes up because I don't know if I'll be able to face him.”  
  
“Zayn is gone,” Liam says in a small voice, because he still doesn't want to believe in the truth.  
  
“What?” it is Harry who asks that, also standing on his feet. Niall just looks at the scene before him with a mouthful of dry cereal.  
  
“He is in London, he will come back today or tomorrow with Perrie,” he explains in a hard voice.  
  
“Fuck,” Harry says. “When did he leave?”  
  
“Last night,” Liam looks away from him.  
  
“I am really sorry Liam,” it's Louis this time, “I am sorry because I know how you feel and I am sorry because I am such an asshole and I totally deserved this.” Louis points to the bruises on his eye and jaw.  
  
Liam says, “Yeah, you did.”  
  
“Please forgive me,” Louis pleads, “All of us for being such asses? You know we love you both, but we are also just humans and humans make mistakes-”  
  
“Okay Lou,” Liam forces a smile, “You don't have to make speeches. I get it. It's okay, I guess. You can't undo what is done.”  
  
“So we are okay?” Harry asks, not really believing that it would be this easy.  
  
“I guess so,” Liam says. “I mean, I can't speak for Zayn.”  
  
“I’ll take care of him,” Harry says, he looks really sure of himself.  
  
“I am really sorry Liam,” Louis says again, timidly.  
  
“Don't. Lets not apologize anymore,” Liam says, he just wants peace, and he also wants his friends back.  
  
He watches when Louis leaves Harry's hand, Liam noticing for the first time that he had been holding onto him. It takes time for him to process what Louis is doing, as the boy somewhat tiptoes towards him, as if he is walking barefoot on burning coal, until he is standing in front of Liam. Then very cautiously, as if expecting Liam to push him away, he reaches out and hugs him.  
  
Liam just stands there for the longest time doing nothing, realizing how this is the closest to home that he has felt since last night. He isn't alone. He was a jerk to think that he was.  
  
Then he is putting his arms around Louis as well, and leans in to hide his face in Louis' shoulder before bursting into tears because time has stopped rushing once more, and its so calm and serene, Louis is holding him down, when all he wants to do is shoot towards the sky and disappear into the infinity of it.  
  
He feels Harry's arms going around them too, strong and firm, before he hears the crunching of a packet and there's Niall too. Draped all over them, and smelling of Coco Pops.  
  
He knows Zayn will be alright with them too, Zayn has a bigger heart than anybody he knows, and he will forgive everything in the blink of an eye. He knows, as he hugs Louis more tightly, as he holds onto his friends for the longest of times. Until Niall removes himself from them and then there are dry Coco Pops being pushed into Liam's teary face with an honest advice,  
  
“Next time, just eat Coco Pops instead of being so fucking melodramatic!”  
  
—-  
  
(the reunion)  
  
When Zayn comes back, the first thing Liam checks is his hand. There are rings on it, but they are all Zayn's; thick silver bands with huge stones and engravings.  
  
Zayn obviously notices his movement, and smirks at him, “I obviously wouldn't dare.”  
  
Before enveloping Zayn into a hug he says, “I knew. I was just making sure and also I like your hands.”  
  
“I missed you baby,” Zayn inhales into his neck, feeling Liam's lips drop kisses on his ear.  
  
“I missed you more,” Liam says, then he moves back, “Oh and also, you will _hate_ my new girlfriend.”  
  
Zayn makes a face, “What the fuck? I am gone for two days and-”  
  
“Maybe that was the purpose of sending you away,” Liam says.  
  
“Have you- you know, met her?” Zayn asks, clutching the front of Liam's Batman shirt tightly.  
  
“Yeah, she's pretty,” Liam says, “Like Leona Lewis.”  
  
Zayn makes an envious sound, “Are you deliberately trying to make me kill her?”  
  
Liam laughs, kissing Zayn's forehead, “You don't have to worry babe, I am all yours.”  
  
“I will have to sit beside Perrie tonight,” Zayn tells him.  
  
“What?” Liam asks, Zayn likes the astonished reaction. He can play this game too.  
  
“At the TCAs, I'll have to sit with her and her band,” Zayn explains, as he watches Liam's face twist in utter disapproval.  
  
“No,” Liam states.  
  
“Don't have a choice,” Zayn shrugs.  
  
“I am going to sit right beside you then and keep glaring at her,” Liam says.  
  
“I don't think Will is going to like that,” Zayn chuckles.  
  
“How about I poison her drink?” Liam asks.  
  
“There will be a lot of cameras watching, the risk will be pretty high.”  
  
“Why is this so hard?”  
  
“I think it will be better for you to leave. And also to stay away from the Internet until I come back.”  
  
“I thought I'd have some alone time with you today,” Liam sighs, kissing the tip of his nose.  
  
Zayn looks around the empty living room, “Well nobody is here right now.”  
  
Liam grins at him, “Yeah. You're right.”  
  
And the rest of it is a cute, sappy mess of limbs and kisses and shirtless.  
  
—-  
  
(the blessing)  
  
The day of the premiere arrives and Liam doesn't want to get out of bed.  
  
He is excited, and he's happy and he knows he is lucky because its Leicester Square and according to news people had started gathering since last night and its going to be one of the biggest days of his life but he doesn't want to get out of bed.  
  
Because (1) it's peaceful here, in this cosy room, the one he had spent his childhood in. And (2) there is Zayn snuggled into his chest, curled into a small ball, nestled peacefully in the confinement of his arms. No premiere of no movie could ever be more perfect than this moment.  
  
He keeps lying there, wide awake but not caring to move. Just thinking of how lucky he is and how all the difficulties and hardships he has had to face are worth it. If this is what he gets in the end; Zayn in his arms, in his bed, in his arms, in his house. Then he is ready to take on the world alone. He is ready for today, and tomorrow, and forever.  
  
There is a soft knock on the door and Liam shuts his eyes close, he doesn't want to be disturbed. He pulls Zayn a little more towards him.  
  
The light, careful footsteps tell him it's his mom. Coming to wake them up, probably. He wants to whine and tell her to go away before she can start shaking him awake. He is expecting a hand on his shoulder but he gets a soft palm on his forehead instead.  
  
She caresses his hair a little, brushing them off his forehead. And she sniffs, making Liam's heart clench. _No mom,_ he wants to say but she's already whispering to her child who she thinks is sleeping.  
  
“I am so proud of you Liam, you were my little boy and look at you now, almost twenty. Everything you have achieved, everything you have gone through. My little man,” she says, “My baby.”  
  
She leans in and drops a kiss on Liam's forehead and Liam tries his best not to smile up at her like he did when he was five. Then she does the unexpected, it causes fireworks to erupt inside Liam's chest; she reaches out to touch Zayn's cheek, does the same to his hair, then pats his head lightly, “Trisha is so proud of you, Zayn. She couldn't help smiling when I talked to her. He is a beautiful boy Liam, keep him. I am so happy for you. So proud of you both, my sons.”  
  
Liam forces his smile away, and pulls Zayn a little more to himself, not that it's possible anymore but he tries. He stays still, while his mom grabs his alarm clock and he knows what she's doing; she is changing the alarm settings on his old alarm clock. And then there are more footsteps, fading away this time and Liam finally opens his eyes.  
  
He looks down at Zayn but he is still sleeping, ignorant to the world, snoring lightly against Liam's left nipple. Then Liam smiles, the biggest smile he has ever smiled in the history of his life. He really wouldn't exchange this moment for any another and thank god he was awake and not actually asleep. His mom is the best, okay.  
  
He kisses the mop of hair on Zayn's head, placing his chin on it and shuts his eyes close. Leaving it on his Batman alarm clock to wake him up.  
  
Before he can even sleep properly, he is being jostled awake but not by the alarm, by two familiar hands and the sound of giggling.  
  
He opens his eyes to see Zayn trying to push him off himself and laughing with his tongue in between his teeth, “Liiam, you're crushing me babe!”  
  
Liam smiles down at him, rolling off, he doesn't know how he ends up sprawled over Zayn, but he does know he likes it.  
  
“Ah, I can finally breathe,” Zayn sighs, still laughing.  
  
Liam nudges him with his elbow, “Don't act like you don't enjoy me.”  
  
“Well not when you're pressing me into a mattress, suffocating me.”  
  
Liam smirks, “You might want to reconsider saying that.”  
  
And he's over Zayn again, hovering above him this time and Zayn just chuckles up at him, “You know babe, I'm all for morning sex but your mom is just in the other room and I don't want to break anything.”  
  
“I think it will be okay with her,” Liam says, lowering himself down on him slowly, “She has already given us her blessings.”  
  
Zayn looks at him confused, “What?”  
  
“Well she knows one day I'm going to bring you home with a veil and everything,” Liam smirks at him.  
  
“So- so you'll marry me, one day?” Zayn asks, his voice cautious, eyes hiding emotions.  
  
“When will you stop asking such patently obvious questions Zayn Malik,” Liam says, kissing Zayn's lips with adoration.  
  
Zayn smiles despite himself into the kiss, his heart dancing and whooping because obviously Liam will marry him one day, that was a pretty nonsense question.  
  
“I am not wearing a veil though,” Zayn murmurs against Liam's lips, ignoring the way Liam snorts into his mouth.  
  
—-  
  
(the ring)  
  
She doesn't let go of a single chance to show off the ring. It is on her ring finger, diamond encrusted, sparkling.  
  
Perrie arrives to the premiere with his mom, when he peers inside the car to not find his sisters there, he smiles. Because obviously Doniya would have given his mom an eyebrow raise; ‘you can't expect me do this anymore, i am sure the loser will understand’ and he can imagine Waliyah protesting; ‘but why does _she_ have to go with us again?’ and Safaa with her round eyes; ‘is _bhai_ really getting married to her? i like her but i like liam more.’ If there is one thing he likes about his sisters the most, it's that they can't be molded into believing something for too long. They had eventually found out the truth about their brother's "deal" with Perrie, and they had been supportive about it. But also, they were against it on some level, being teenagers, and said a straight no when they wanted to. They had already skyped Zayn to let him know how this engagement thing was something they didn't want to be a part of and Liam had popped from somewhere, right behind Zayn and told them to not come if they didn't want to. They didn't have to be a part of it, anyway. And Safaa had put her palm on the camera, “high five liam!” and Liam had virtually high fived her saying, “I would ditch the premiere if I was you anyway. And Waliyah I am sorry, there is no Dave Franco coming, so you're not going to miss anything.”  
  
Waliyah had rolled her eyes at him.  
  
Now Perrie is coming towards him, with his mom by her side, both dressed in matching colors, how nauseating. His mom has a huge grin on her face, she looks so proud and Zayn is so happy. So happy, that nothing can bring him down.  
  
He hugs his mom, a hand going around his and he smiles at Perrie, who beams at him genuinely. He knows she is truly happy for him as well, how can he hate her?  
  
He looks down at her hand, and there is a ring on, like where he had been told it would be. He smiles at her, “I'm sorry you have to go through this. It looks good though, nice choice.”  
  
She laughs with her head thrown back, “No big deal Zayn, and listen, I am so grateful to you. And proud of you, this is unbelievable!”  
  
Zayn can't help but nod his head, as he is stopped for pictures. The endless screaming of fans is deafening but in a good way. He acts all sickeningly cute with Perrie, staying away from Liam as much as he can while Perrie makes sure they get numerous pictures taken, with her left hand on her waist. The ring in the face of the cameras. It's looks so artificial, Zayn thinks, even when it is so expensive and real.  
  
He sighs in relief when the boys are ushered in and the movie starts playing on the big screen. Perrie is still sitting beside him, his mom on the other side, and then there's Liam behind him. And he doesn't know how it's possible but he is pretty sure that the solid weight nudging the back of his waist, is Liam's knee.  
  
—-  
  
(the new danielle)  
  
It is at the after party that Zayn sees her; the girl Liam is supposed to be dating. Dressed in dark blue, and smug looking.  
  
If he's being honest, he'd say she's a little bit more sexier than Danielle. But the difference between her and Danielle is this: Zayn hates Danielle, but this new chick, named Sophia, he loathes.  
  
Because she is all over Liam. Even when Perrie leaves his hand to to go gossip in the corner with Jade, Sophia just doesn't let go off Liam's hand. She is glued to his side, and she isn't even looking at Zayn or anybody else for that matter, so that Zayn can glare at her.  
  
Her eyes are on Liam, like she's an eagle and Liam is the squirrel. Her hands are on Liam, like she has some sort of copyright claim over him. Her smile is for Liam, like Liam will bow down to her and write sonnets about her if she asks him to. She is so sick, and she is so liking the attention the cameras are giving her that Zayn kind of wants Danielle back. And then he doesn't because he doesn't like her either.  
  
The only think that is keeping him going is Liam's soft glances at him. They can't touch but Liam's eyes stay on him for a lot long gaps of time, and he smiles his brightest smile at him. Zayn is at ease instantly.  
  
But that doesn't mean he stops himself from glaring at Sophia and wishing that she breaks her heel or her ankle or her entire fucking foot.  
  
—-  
  
(the turmoil)  
  
Liam thought he could deal with it, but he was wrong.  
  
It's fucking everywhere. It's on the news, it's on the Internet, it's in the interviews, it's on the streets, it's just everywhere. It's like hurricane Katrina, only that this is more catastrophic for him. It's destroying him.  
  
The fans gushing over Zayn being a husband, in a black tie suit. The fans talking about Zayn and Perrie's baby. The interviewers inquiring about who the best man will be, the date of the fucking marriage. The fans just don't seem to settle down. Some are crying their eyes out because they wanted to marry Zayn, like Liam was going to let that happen. Some are so so happy because Zayn is getting married to Perrie, like Liam is going to let that happen. No fucking way.  
  
There is no escape. He has to sit and listen to Zayn talk about his fiancé. They are calling Perrie _that_ now, like they have a fucking clue. He doesn't even care if he is wearing a murderous expression, he really wants to kill, he doesn't care who. The boys obviously sense the discomfort; Louis does his best to mock the engagement whenever he can, Harry just laughs the moment the question is asked and Niall announces that he is pregnant trying his level best to change the subject.  
  
It helps. The interviewers deviate from the topic and Liam can breathe again. But it's always short termed because there are fans everywhere, saying the same weird things. “Congratulations Zayn!” “When is the wedding?” And all that stuff that makes Liam hate them. He is hating a lot of things these days and his mind is in utter chaos, various issues running in every direction. He can't think properly, can't eat properly, even when Zayn soothes him and tells him he is his, they will be fine, they are the ones who will get married.  
  
But Zayn is just _too_ good. He doesn't understand the hatred bubbling inside Liam. The blood boiling, the urges to kill someone, to rip someone apart from limb to limb. He doesn't understand what life's issue is with him, why does it always take the wrong turn in the end. Why can't they just be those superstars who can do anything they want, date anybody they want, why are people so judgmental? Why is this world such a hard place to live in, why did god even create disastrous girls, he isn't thinking straight, he doesn't even fucking know what he is thinking, sorry girls, just fuck.  
  
—-  
  
(the birthday)  
  
Last night, he had thought his life couldn't get any worse than it already was, he had been so damn wrong again.  
  
He is twenty. He should be at the top of the world, celebrating, dancing around. Waking up to a raw cake and a smiling Zayn, smelling of vanilla with flour in his hair. He wakes up to a Harry, a Louis and a Niall, standing all around his bed wearing party hats. Niall is strumming madly on his guitar as they sing a badly harmonized birthday song, despite the fact that they are world wide singing sensations. Liam smiles at them, the absence of Zayn hitting him like a truck because these days whenever Zayn is absent from his side, something is up and that something is definitely wrong.  
  
“Look who turned into a man today,” Louis hoots, jumping on the bed.  
  
“I am the baby now,” Niall says, following Louis' lead.  
  
Harry sits on the edge beside Louis, making a confused face, “I am the youngest one, not you Niall.”  
  
“Yeah but bro, you look way older than me so don't kill my buzz,” Niall retorts, “Plus look at me, I don't even have chest hair yet.” To make his point clear, he lowers the neck of his tank top revealing his bare chest.  
  
“Adolescence,” Louis says solemnly, reaching up to pat Niall's head, “is a hard time for everybody.”  
  
That makes Niall laugh to the point where Liam thinks he is going to wet his pants. Typical Niall.  
  
“Where's Zayn?” Liam asks, getting up a little to lean against his pillow.  
  
The atmosphere in the room changes from careless to tense in a second. As Niall stops laughing and goes back to fidgeting with his guitar, saying, “I should have brought more Coco Pops.”  
  
Louis smacks Niall on the head as Harry says, “He had to leave.”  
  
Liam knew that, he had figured. Because if Zayn was still here, he wouldn't have let anybody else wake Liam up.  
  
“To where? Why?” Liam inquires.  
  
“Some family thing with Perrie,” Harry answers, “They have to be sighted together in order to erase all doubts.”  
  
“To be honest, I think they did it because they didn't want you to stay with him today,” Niall says and Louis smacks him again.  
  
“Can you not be so blunt for one second?” he scolds.  
  
“He's not wrong,” Liam sighs, “I don't know what they have against me but they are determined on making my life a living hell.”  
  
“It's not just you mate,” Harry says, “Louis is supposed to take Eleanor to his charity event in a week.”  
  
“My dear Harold,” Louis says assuringly, reaching out to hold his hand and rub soothing circles on it, “It will just be a day.”  
  
Niall rolls his eyes at them and Liam just wishes that Zayn was here. Like Louis is for Harry.  
  
“Okay so how about we get up, make Liam a splendid cake, and go to like the Funky Buddha, and dance all night to the best song ever?” Niall sings.  
  
“You do know that I want to kick you in the balls right now, right?” Louis asks.  
  
Niall starts rapping _“all liam really wants for his birthday is a big booty hoe, zayn-malik is his big booty hoe”_ in response until the boys struggle to carry Liam downstairs, explaining how he should spend some time with them before going out with Sophia. That is when Liam remembers that he has to do that too and he groans in annoyance because his friends just _had_ to remind him about that.  
  
While the boys make him cut a cake in only his boxers, he can think of just one thing only. Zayn. And where is he, and what he's doing, and why hasn't he called. He can't help but checking his cell when Louis opens a bottle of champagne, or when Niall suggests they play beer pong which they do, and after which Liam is on the edge of drunk, one more drink down and he will be gone, or when Harry tells him he should get ready because Sophia would be here soon or when Harry helps him put on some random tank top and football jersey or when Sophia does arrive wearing a disgusting yellow that reminds him of vomit. He keeps checking his cell, not one text message from Zayn. So he checks his twitter to find no tweet from Zayn but that he understands, because Zayn doesn't like wishing over twitter. “It looks so fake Li, come on! And why do I even need that stupid site when I can do this?” And it hurts right now to go over the details of what Zayn does after that, but it does involve a lot of tickling and whispering and tongue. Liam wishes Zayn was here right now doing that, he wants to hear his voice, he wants his birthday wish and his birthday kiss and his birthday sex. And his Zayn.  
  
What he gets instead is Sophia's hand in his, a white and pink fancy looking birthday cake, and cameras flashing him incessantly, as he tries to hide his face somewhere, _any_ fucking where because his head is aching, and Sophia drags him away from all of it and he is grateful when they finally step in the club. Only to be surrounded by screaming girls again, who don't waste a second in grabbing him and there are cameras again as he smiles like he is at the top of the world when in real he feels like he is lying at the bottom of a dark pit, unable to climb up.  
  
The drinks Andy keeps handing him help a lot, so he keeps on downing them, without questioning. They taste weird, one burns his throat, but he doesn't care. There's a hazy picture of Zayn in his mind, and all it is doing is making him ache.  
  
Fuck Zayn really. It's his birthday and Zayn should be here, but he isn't. He should be the one giggling into his neck, running his hands through his hair, dancing against him. And he isn't. He is with that white haired witch and her family and he hasn't even fucking called once. Liam has a right to be as angry as he is now, he has a fucking right to enjoy himself and make Zayn jealous. And he just wants Zayn so much right now. He just misses him so much that he's angry. Just yesterday Zayn was with him and now he is not and nobody could ever understand how that is making him feel.  
  
He just really misses Zayn. And Zayn is really fucking annoying because he still hasn't wished him. That git.  
  
—-  
  
(the end of the end)  
  
“What is this?” Zayn asks, throwing the newspaper at Liam's feet.  
  
Liam doesn't need to see what it is, the moment he sees a girl wearing yellow on the cover, he knows. He knew this would happen, and he had thought about how he was going to explain this, but now when he sees tears falling down Zayn's cheeks, every word in his mind just vanishes leaving behind nothing but cold, dark blankness.  
  
He lets go off the glass of water he was going to drink from, reaching out to touch Zayn's shoulder. To pull him in, to encase him in his arms, assure him that they are fine, it was nothing. That Sophia was all over him and he couldn't push her away because he was so fucking angry and miserable and drunk and tired to do so. But Zayn won't allow that, he takes a step back, distancing himself from Liam. Liam feels his heart start to crack from the seam.  
  
“No,” Zayn says, “I don't want you to touch me right now, no.”  
  
Liam gulps, holding back his tears because he has to be strong, “You have to listen to me, okay? You have to.”  
  
“I don't know if I want to, I've seen enough and I've read enough,” Zayn shouts in between incoherent sobs, “You asked me to stay away from Perrie and I did, you asked me to be rude to her, I also did that. And look at you, look at you all over this new Danielle! Am I the only one who has to follow all orders from everyone? Even you! When you go and have the best time of your life? Don't tell me you did it because they asked you to because I'm not that stupid! I didn't want to believe what shit they were saying on twitter but then I saw this newspaper on the street and fuck you! Fuck you and your whore of a model girlfriend!”  
  
“I wasn't having the time of my life, okay Zayn?” Liam says the exact moment Zayn shuts his mouth, “All that I was, was drunk! I was out of my mind! I didn't know what I was doing, I was alone so I kept drinking. And do you want to know why? Because you weren't there god damn it! You weren't there on my birthday and you always are! Sorry if its my fucking fault to expect a burnt cake lying beside me when I wake up! And you put so many candles on it to hide its hideous state! I am sorry if the first person I wanted to see was you, I am sorry if I searched everywhere for you, I am sorry if you didn't pick up my calls, and I am sorry if I want to be with you so much that it makes me crazy mad when you are not with me!”  
  
“Were you crazy mad enough to sleep with her? Since you did everything from kissing her to gluing your body and face against hers in front of so many fucking cameras!”  
  
“For fuck's sake Zayn! I didn't even go home with her, I came back here because _here_ is you! I didn't mean to do any of the things that I did. I didn't know what I was doing! I was angry at so many things, specially you! I wanted to make you feel what I feel when you roam around with Perrie with her sick hand in yours!”  
  
“You didn't have to make me feel that Liam. Just so you know, I have been feeling that exact same thing for the past two years!”  
  
Liam swallows, “You could have told me you were leaving, you could have texted me or called or anything!”  
  
“I didn't have the time, I didn't have my phone on me, I was supposed to spend time with her. How could you even fucking think I wouldn't call you if I could? I don't know you right now Liam, I just can't-”  
  
“I am sorry alright, I am so fucking sorry!” Liam shouts, punching the kitchen counter because the wall is too far, “I am nothing but a scared insecure jackass inside and I am sorry for that!”  
  
The punch is hard, he hears his knuckles crack and maybe he's just damaged all his fingers. Zayn is by his side in a jiffy, unexpectedly.  
  
“Liam,” his voice is laced with concern and hurt, all the same.  
  
Liam moves back because he's the god damn reason why Zayn is hurt, and if there is one person who doesn't deserve any kind of pain, it's Zayn.  
  
“No, don't touch me, you don't want to and I respect that,” Liam says, taking steps back, away from Zayn, “I don't deserve you in the first place, do you know that you are not even real? Like- have I ever told you that? You are a dream to me Zayn, and we were always so good to be true. I was scared I would do something stupid and lose you some day and here we are.”  
  
Not knowing how to react, Zayn just stands with his jaw hanging open, his hands falling loosely by his sides as he tries to comprehend the next to impossible words that are coming out of Liam's mouth.  
  
“I get it Zayn, you know what? I get it. You didn't fall in love with this drinker smoker careless weirdo Liam who can't even handle himself, you fell in love with the uptight, innocent, worrier nerd who used to protect you and I took him away from you and I gave you this shit person to handle,” he points at himself helplessly as he says that, “Who makes you go through hell everyday, who hurts you when you don't even deserve to be hurt! I am a bad person Zayn, I danced with a girl last night, and yes I kissed her. A lot. I kissed her a lot and I let her touch me so much, I touched her so much. And I am ashamed, you can never forgive me if you want to, I will be okay with that. But if for one second you think that I did it with my heart and head, then I'm not okay with it. Because all the time it was you who was making my head burst and you making my heart cry and you. It was you. Everywhere. Even when you weren't even there.”  
  
Liam is breathing heavily now, leaning against the refrigerator, because there is nothing else there to lean on, waiting for Zayn to say something. He is just looking at him incredulously, standing a feet away from him, his mouth hanging open and his eyes still streaming with endless tears.  
  
“I am so sorry Zee,” Liam whispers, when the silence drums against his ears, “I am so sorry but I love you. So hate me, hate me all you want, but don't leave me. You are still mine okay, so please don't leave me. I am begging you, I'll break without you.”  
  
Liam expects Zayn to walk out, he half wishes for him to do that too, because he has been holding his tears back for so long now, he is about to burst. If Zayn leaves, Liam can gladly fall down and cry himself to sleep somehow, and wish for this not to have happened. But Zayn isn't moving, he is still paralyzed on the spot. The expression on his face is scary.  
  
"Say something, please,” Liam begs, not being able to take the silence featuring occasional small sobs and hiccups from Zayn.  
  
“I love you Liam,” Zayn stifles a sob as he says, “I..”  
  
He trails off, and Liam is expecting the ‘buts' and the ‘ands’. They never come. Zayn is walking towards him, and then there are hands on either side of his face, caressing and gentle. Zayn is holding his bruised hand, softly pressing on the knuckles, kissing them one by one as if trying to heal the pain. Closing his eyes, Liam lets his tears fall because he doesn't want to ruin this crucial moment by letting his head explode. Then there are thin fingers wiping the wetness away the moment it starts to spread.  
  
“Don't cry,” Zayn whispers and Liam shakes his head.  
  
“I am so sorry. I was missing you, I just- I was missing you, missing you makes me do bad things. Just. Just– stay with me...”  
  
“Ssshh,” Zayn hushes him, pressing his forehead against Liam's, the back of whose head hits the freezer door, “I am sorry too. I didn't mean to yell at you. I just- I guess I was just hurt so much, and it was you who had caused it and I just lost it.”  
  
“You're allowed to lose it too sometimes Zayn, you know that. You are allowed, and you are also very right.”  
  
“And you are very wrong,” Zayn says.  
  
“I know,” Liam says, his eyes sinking into Zayn's, “That is why you can leave if you want.”  
  
“You are wrong because you think it's easy for me to leave you. You think I don't love you anymore and you think you don't deserve me and you tell me to walk out right after you tell me I am yours. You are crazy mad. And you are so god damn wrong Liam Payne, and I am so god damn in love with you that you make it really hard for me to be angry at you properly.”  
  
Liam finally moves his hands up to place them on either side of Zayn's waist, very gentle and light, as if Zayn will fade away from right underneath them any second.  
  
“You are my gravity Liam, you keep me stable. You are my mind, you are all I think about even when I'm not thinking at all. And I don't like putting all of this in words because it sounds so god damn cheesy, exactly like a birthday wish over twitter sounds fake and pointless,” Liam can't help but smile as Zayn continues, “No one can ever replace you Liam. And you're so wrong when you think I fell in love with the innocent weird side of you and now I don't love you any more. I love all parts of you Liam, your lame choice in tattoos (he runs his hand up the four arrows on liam's forearm), and the impulsive hair cuts you get (he runs a hand through liam's hair as liam just stares at his face, supernatural and utterly beautiful to his eyes), the way your eyes crinkle (he runs a finger by the side of his left eye, gentle and soft), the way your mouth smells in the morning (rubs liam's lips with the pad of his thumb), the way your forehead has these lines giving away your worry (caresses liam's forehead). I fell in love with the captain sensible Liam yes, but I fell in love with him for _forever._ Even when he foolishly tries to make me angry by kissing other chicks.”  
  
Liam makes a sound of protest as he holds Zayn by his belt and pulls him closer to him effortlessly, saying, “But he also said sorry. And his Zayn shouted at him a lot so they are even now.”  
  
“His Zayn is an ass who is so fed up with what's going on that he let all his frustration out on him without thinking, but what Liam needs to know is that he is as much as Zayn's as Zayn is his. And he also needs to know that Zayn is also very sorry for today and for all the times in the further when Zayn will have his outbursts.”  
  
“Liam wants to kiss Zayn now. If Zayn is not leaving, after all.”  
  
“Liam is an idiot.”  
  
“Liam agrees. Zayn is beautiful.”  
  
“Zayn disagrees. Liam is more.”  
  
“Zayn needs to shut up.”  
  
It's eloquent; the way their lips meet in the middle. The kiss is all sorts of magic, all deep and gentle and assuring at the same time. Filling their hearts with the sort of tranquility they had both been missing for too long. It's happy; void of any anxiety. It's defining; marking the beginning of all hardships that they know they will have to face. It's comforting; promising that they will make through it all together. It's long lasting; just like the love they have for each other. The only difference being that sooner or later the kiss has to last, their love however, doesn't.  
  
And somewhere in his heart Liam knows, that it won't.  
  
—-  
  
(the future)  
  
“Why are you dressed up?” Liam asks as he enters their apartment's bedroom, the secret apartment in London that nobody knows about except the boys, “And _what_ are you doing?”  
  
Zayn is sitting on the bed, hunched over something, pens and markers scattered all over the mattress. He is clad from head to toe in Armani.  
  
“I have to go meet Perrie for some shitty anniversary kind of thing in like an hour,” Zayn explains but he doesn't look up from what he is doing, waiting for Liam to come forward and find out himself.  
  
“Please accidentally spill hot soup over her today,” Liam says as he reaches the bed and sits on the edge beside Zayn, “It will be the best anniversary surprise ever.”  
  
“I will try my best, grumpy,” Zayn chuckles, “Now help me, c'mon.”  
  
“What are you doing even?” Liam asks, eyeing the diary in Zayn's hands.  
  
“Our dictionary, remember?” Zayn says and Liam stares at him.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Look, I have marked every page with a letter,” Zayn shows it to Liam, “And now this will be our dictionary. With our meanings.”  
  
“Wow, you _are_ a hopeless nerd. I thought Doniya was exaggerating.”  
  
“I have the first word in mind,” Zayn rolls his eyes and skims through the various pages to stop on the page that sports a huge red 'J' at the top. He reaches for a black pen and writes:  
  
 **Jackass:** (n) Liam.  
 **Sentence:** _I am unfortunately in love with a jackass._   
  
Liam laughs before snatching the diary away from Zayn and opening up the 'P' page.  
  
 **Poop:** (n) Nonsense.  
 **Sentence:** _My boyfriend is full of poop._  
  
He looks up at Zayn who is trying to pout and failing. So he searches for the letter 'D' and writes another word:  
  
 **Duckling:** (v) what zayn looks like when he pouts.  
 **Sentence:** _There is a duckling sitting on my bed._  
  
Zayn grabs the diary before Liam can write another word. Liam watches as he turns over to the 'P' page.  
  
 **Puppy** : (n) what Liam looks like all the time.  
 **Sentence:** _Puppy and Duckling should fuck, like right now._  
  
Liam laughs again, taking the diary back. He flips open the 'B' page.  
  
 **Bradford Bad Boi:** (n) Mine.  
 **Sentence:** _Zayn is Bradford Bad Boi._  
  
Zayn smiles and take the diary away.  
  
 **Batman:** (n) Liam.  
 **Sentence:** _I have a thing for Batman_.  
  
Liam chuckles so wide, his eyes disappear into crescents for a moment. He moves to sit beside Zayn, making him open the diary to the 'Q' page.  
  
 **Quiffy:** (n) Zayn because he looks hot in a quiff and his quiffs are the best.  
 **Sentence:** _Quiffy is very beautiful._  
  
“Wait,” Liam says when Zayn tries to take the diary back. He opens the 'R' page then.  
  
 **Riffy:** (n) Zayn because his riffs are perfect, and unaccomplishable.  
 **Sentence:** _Riffy is also mine._  
  
Zayn blushes, flips the pages until he finds the 'U'.  
  
 **Unaccomplishable:** (n) what Liam thinks is a word.  
 **Sentence:** _To fall out of love with Liam is unaccomplishable._  
  
He goes back to the 'C' page and writes.  
  
 **Congratuweldone:** (n) because my boyfriend's English is pretty pathetic.  
 **Sentence:** _Congratuweldone, you actually understand what Liam is saying._  
  
Liam snorts, taking the diary back and opening the 'M'.  
  
 **Malabami:** (n) Malibu.  
 **Sentence:** _Zayn's favorite place is Malabami._  
  
Zayn makes a face, before writing in section 'B'.  
  
 **Babe:** (n) the only nickname that suits Liam.  
 **Sentence:** _Babe, I love you._  
  
Liam flips back to 'M'.  
  
 **MTFL:** (abbr) More than fucking love.  
 **Sentence:** _I love you back, Riffy. I MTFL you, forever._  
  
—-  
  


**Author's Note:**

> kudos/comments make me happy. :) 
> 
> tumblr: [ziamasf](http://ziamasf.tumblr.com/)


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